Category: Uncategorized

with all his faculties intact

If one thinks that
They’d make a poem
By breaking up sentences
Boy they are wrong

Simplistic people work in series
Their minds cannot do
parallel thinking
Such feeble minds!
What a waste of space and time

What’s more they
Sticking emotions when
there are none
Making metaphors on which
Things are already obvious

Liars I call you
Twisters and swindlers
Repetitiveness and Dilly dalliers
Prosed and posed
For the best of the players

Stooges for the stage
Pretending they are sages
Writing their sagas
Making jaws open wide aghast
How bogus, set the fire ablaze!

Tis the reason
I hate doing poems
Don’t think of me low
I do rhymes though

A fiddler with words
But never to impress
Or to gain success
Merely to supress
A madman stuck in stress

Before I beat my breasts
And claim all is laid rest
Allow me to press
That tis for the best
~

Okay, I did my part. Happy now? I’m no good. I should hide. I just saw this movie Little Miss Sunshine where there’s this fifteen year old who likes Nietzsche and made a vow of silence for nine months. Heck, he even drew a picture of that walrus in his room. And carries a copy of Thus Spake Zarathustra all the time in the movie. Now, the best part was this.


Youth. How wonderful. I don’t hold anything against Mr. N himself though. I just don’t see why anyone would start reading philosophy with him. You get a bunch of novels and films that features fifteen year old boys who read Nietzsche. I doubt they I ever finished reading him. I didn’t, and I have two different translations of TSZ.

Remind me to give relevent (not just vague) titles to posts next time. This one is from the last sentence of a short story.

apple eaters

ada orang annoying yang guna account youtube aku untuk tengok benda-benda bosan. trailer movie melayu bangang. sial, aku ada browsing history seh. kalau mahu guna computer aku sila cakap. jangan main sneak sahaja. tapi mungkin adik aku sendiri. tapi aku doubt dia suka bukak things like “Ku tunggu jandamu” trailer. wtf. celaka sungguh. adik aku ada taste juga okeh. se-girly mana pun dia.

bilik harus dikemas. terlalu banyak barang di atas katil. banyak buku-buku yang diambil semula dari rumah untunk dibaca semula. hoenstly, aku tak nampak apa point aku bawak balik semua itu. mungkin mahu beri ilusi kerajinan membaca. oh well, aku sudah tampal april reading list yang jelas kelihatan dekat dinding. hope that helps.

aku mahu menulis, as in, betul-betul menulis. i haven’t written a short story for a long-long time, kali terakhir adalah pada tahun lepas untuk commonwealth competition itu, yang dapat “Commended”. Sigh, whatever happened to publishing. Sila beri sokongan. Dreaming will help. CGJung’s The Red Book which was recently published posthumously was a creation purely from dreams/subconcious. The project shall start… soon I guess. I’ll make a link somewhere nanti. Potsie, mari.

I shall explain this only once. Boredom only occurs when you are around people, constrained in a social situation in which you have no control of. Most people, are of course, aren’t that boring, they just have no such individuality or any specific interests that are immediately recognizable that makes one wants to talk to them. You just don’t have the effing time to get to know people that well. Why bother to “get to know” in the first place. You’re just pissing people off, unless they’re feelers. Goddamn feelers, I hate them.

Assume and make hasty conclusions and retreat retreat unto yourself. When alone, one shall not become bored. One can have freedom of thought, go wherever he wills, whenever he wants, and do whatever he wills. But if uncontrolled, precisely this is when needs a reminder, or better, a guide, a friend, to make him stop. Consult, when necessary. Otherwise, run run run into the wilderness.

sekian, terima kasih. To quote from teddy, “I’ve never seen a bunch of apple eaters”, Apples being logic, and whatever metaphors you see fit for this post. Sila baca Nine Stories.

now tell me what you saw

Your take on the pitiful circumstances of human beings in general, about the suffers and losses, and empty joys that are interchangeably received and perceived; we are content of being deceived, all but you, you at your own nook, objectively observing whatever games that are being played.

Your refusal to participate; that is understandable given your heightened awareness but – why lament on all this and conclude they are irredeemably ignorant and forever doomed in their own wretchedness, and there’s naught to be done about this? Why the rejection?

One should tread upon this world loftily, with a gait like no other, a peculiar-like happiness on his face, and be able to stop once in a while, and most importantly, help those who are need, be it in terms of physical needs or spiritual needs. The former should be minimal, while the latter, should be given abundantly.

“The wise man par excellence is one who by renouncing desires of the flesh does not fall into evil, remains prepared for death every moment and collects goods that shall accompany him on the last journey unless you retire unto yourself. For nowhere with more quietness or more freedom from trouble does a man retire than into his own soul, particularly when he has within him such thoughts that by looking into them he is immediately in perfect tranquility and tranquility is nothing else than good ordering of the mind, and when he lays aside all carelessness and passionate aversion from the commands of reason and all hypocrisy and self-love, he becomes strong enough to serve the suffering humanity.”

read, dread, and fret, in red

In spirit of reading Kierkegaard, I would like to quote him. From Fear and Trembling.

“People commonly travel the world over to see rivers and mountains, new stars, garish birds, freak fish, grotesque breeds of human; they fall into an animal stupor that gapes at existence and they think they have seen something.”

Then he continues… “This is not my interest”. Heh.
~~

Egh, I got bad marks (okay-ish) for Programming. It’s a meh situation. But whatever. I’m done worrying about marks and pointers. Final exam’s in a few weeks but I have done nought, as always, to really, you know, study and all. It’s bad, in a way. I think I’ve been saying this ever since january. It never happened. I rely on first memories too much. Oh well, I’ll manage, somehow. *cues (Get Off Your) High Horse Lady song*

People always lament about how they have freaking tests and exams and assignments and such, while I’m being absolutely non-chalant about these thing. Ignorant, but nonetheless aware of what is being ignored. Aloof, you could say. Until say, two hours before the actual thing. I rely a lot of last minute things. It works. At least I don’t have to waste time to actually study stuff and read till midnight. Exerting too much effort or brainpower is kinda exhausting for me. I get headaches. So I do minimal effort yeah. Sleeping is better. At least you get to dream and stuff. Always sleep with nothing in your mind. It does wonders.

~~

I found an online video of my dad doing some presentation in Korea. He sounds boring. Scientists are boring. Adults are boring. People in general are boring. I need to grow up. And become boring as well.

~~

I haven’t received the allowance from MARA yet. Freaking RM2800. I secretly hoped that if I get it early, I’d use it for this week’s PC Fair *kalau ade* to buy some fancy camera. Panasonic Lumix LX-3. Macam. cool. gila.. Siapa sokong aku? Dan tidak, ini bukan DSLR. Aku tak suka berat-berat.

Aku sebenarnya teringin kamera bosan Digital Harinezumi yang jauh lagi murah dan agak queer warna-warnanya. Agak awesome juga. Tapi abaikan. Kualitinya kurang.

affairs of others

As much as one would like to meddle in the matters of people, one must also be aware as not to get into the subject of conversation too much. By this, it is meant that no one has a right to personalize other people’s matter, using it as a subject of conversation, passingly, either to demonstrate how knowledgeable they are or to laugh at someone else’s indolence, faults, and such. Such idle talk will only waste your own time, make you although well-conversed; you shall become sly-tongued, omit and edit as you like. In other words, you cut, paste and twist stories according to your understanding, or to your desire.

If possible, talk only when you have to, don’t make a scene out of it, create not noises that would require another to shun it with another noise. Do not talk of people who have nothing to do you or the person spoken to. Do not pretend your ideals will become realities in order to delude yourself.

One should become acquainted with oneself before being acquainted with another. While it is most possible for another to describe you, outwardly, superficially, of the actions and behavior you exemplified in front of them, it is impossible for them to truly know your deepest thoughts.

People exhibit different sets of behaviors to different sets of people; be it parents, new friends, childhood friends, teachers, strangers. We wear many masks, we mould them according what we see as fit to a specific person, and it is impossible for another being to recognize each of everything. Never say “I understand” or “I feel for you”. You only assume so.

And this is precisely why you should never talk of other people’s affairs when it does not concern you. What’s best is to remain silent.

time and again

egh, apparently i busted the desktop once again this morning. it’s either the graphic card or the ram’s at fault. but probably this can be solved by disassembling some things and putting it back together, but i don’t wanna take any risks by fiddling around. it usually ends up horribly, as is evident from my history of trying to fix things. tikus membaiki labu. egh. this ultimately means i can’t play games, and watch movies, and uh, change the songs. egh. i suppose that’s supposed to be good, considering i have a few stuff to do, academic-wise. *sigh*

***

anyway, there’s this debate thingy at mfi, and we did 3 rounds, and uh, lost once, won twice, but supposedly the loss should be a win for us. it didn’t matter anyway, since what’s important is the feedback. blegh, somehow i realize i’m too…. high-strung. should be more composed, mannered and all that. i suck anyway, but oh well, whatever. will not write more on this, i’m too tired. and by the way, some of you people will happen to uh… be reading on this and uh… be reminded of “confessions of the secret readers” yang tak boleh bla petang tadi. malu seh aku. sneaky bastards.

***

i shall start reading kierkegaard. it’s been a while since i’ve read anything too ancient and uh… translated. hopefully that’ll be enough to satisfy my lack of any new subjects to read need. although it does seem contradictory to read about existentialism when you already have al-ghazali.

***

blegh. i smell.

one need only to look the right way

Al-Ghazali once wrote in his book Wonders of The Heart, some book I have been reading religiously at the beginning of the month, in the chapter “The State of The Heart in Relation to Knowledge”, that we (our hearts) may not reflect the form of true things (i.e, knowledge) for five reasons.

First is due to the defect in its formation, due to its imperfection in its own nature, a heart of a youth who could not reflect but poorly.

Second is attributed due to the acts of disobedience; dirtied by the actions of lust and evil, which prevent the purity and cleanness of the heart. Reality shall, of course, will not reflect in these hearts. This is what is meant when you commit something wrong, a tiny dark spot shall appear in your heart, until finally it becomes dark.

The third reason is the heart may be turned the away from the direction of Reality. Because, even though you’re this good guy and all, you might not perceive the true state of things, because you never looked the right way in first place. YOur attention is diverted towards worldly things such that you have little time to ponder upon the truth, God, and all that.

Fourth is the veil. In the words of the translated book, “The obedient man who has overcome his appetites and devotes himself exclusivel to a certain specific reality may not have this revealed to him because it is veiled from him by some beleif which he has held from his youth, and which he has blindly followed and accepted in good faith”. In other words, blind faith, or taqlid. “This too is a great veil which overshadows most Muslim theologians and those fanatical followers of the school… they are veiled by their blindly followed dogmas, which are hardened in their souls, and firmly fixed in their hearts, and have become a veil between them and the perception of realities”.

The last one is the result of ignorance. A seeker of truth cannot obtain it except in a certain way, a deduction method. One needed to know what knowledge that is to be seeked, and the manner to gain it. Put simply, one must not go over to A while ignoring B, both should be considered, lest one shall perceive A to be the only truth.

Otherwise, every heart is constitutionally fitted to come to know the realities. I could elaborate more than this but I’ve got to go to school. Egh. Al Ghazali is, one of the most interesting philosophers I’ve come across with. He’s easy to read, goes direct to his points, includes many allegories and analogies. A bit vague at times, since he’s a bit secretive in some particular stuff, but otherwise he’s great.

books

While browsing through the multitude of books set witohut order at the bookshelf at the left side of her room, she felt an impulse to take out a book that was taken, or technically, stolen from the school library three years ago. The book was, in fact, had never been borrowed; shown by the absence of any dates stamped at the very beginning of the book. She perhaps thought her action was justified. It was yellowed and torn, was wrapped rather hurriedly, or maybe its deformation was caused perhaps due to some water incident; it smelled particularly of a book of such kind.

***

i wanna stop writing here. i think i may have bought over ten books and borrowed over six of em and took about eight books from my dad’s bookshelves and reread over than four of my old ones this month alone. not to mention random scientific american mind magazines and free readings at the psychology section in kinokuniya.

must. stop. can’t get too many ideas crammed up all at once. i mean, how can you be reading about occult psychology, buddhism, and sufism, all in one day.

god stuff.

Everybody’s getting preachy and pious these days, that everywhere I go stinks of piety. I’m not saying it’s bad or anything, in fact, it’s all good and great if you happen to go through some spiritual enlightenment/advancement, but you gotta sorta make it your personal thing. I mean, this god stuff is supposed to be between you and the lord in the first place. Not by being preachy or anything.

Of course, without being that, you’re actually being pretty much selfish in your own knowledge. That’s why you feel the need to spread the word in the first place. But what I think is, and what I truly think is, you have to have a sorta conviction yourself.

What I mean by this conviction word, is certainty in total. You gotta believe the stuff your saying, and even have to act on this certainty to carry out its principles. By believing, I don’t even mean without question. You gotta sorta understand the stuff you’re saying in the first place, knowing its purpose and both literal and hidden meaning behind every single stuff. You’re not doing this because you’re supposed to, rather it comes from a sincere and a most humble origin; the heart. It’s an act of love.

Heck, I even debated this thing last year with someone’s brother, asking why do people believe in god in the first place. Is it out of fear, or being afraid of getting into hell, or it gives ’em people comfort? He attacked me, fiercely (ugh), laying down his arguments against evolution and that sort of stuff, mistakenly perceiving my question as a sort of ‘proving god’ thing. What I meant was, “O-kay, god exists… then what? What happens then?” sort of thing, formalities of religion aside. I always give ’em a dirty look. Anyway, what he said was he can’t even explain it, in fact, the most satisfying answer he can give me was… “for me, it is love”.

It sounded cheesy in the first place, I tell you, all this “love” stuff, back then. But now, I understand.

Perhaps I am not one even qualified to say this, because I do not regard myself as being religious in the first place. To some extent, spiritual. But religious, at the current situation, not yet. One does not simply change after reading a new book, or going to some talk, or ceramah.

Faith is a hard thing to acquire, achieved only through risks, going down to the depths and the very foundation of religion, pondering upon the meaning of life, searching for purpose, having moments of doubt. And what’s even harder; retaining faith.

Now, I’m being preachy. Yeah.

i speak because i can


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