states

some things hurt when they don’t work out the way you anticipate it to be. the inability to move, to respond, in the same manner, to freeze at a touch. it does not reverberate through your skin and bones.

**

i have arrived in a new area of misery.

i have tried, to deny these waves of feelings, but often they come back in the darkest of moments, between the short hours of the night, when F comes home, appearing in his new haircut and wet from walking in the rain. it plays out exactly the same as from 4 months ago.

i am terrified.

***

i would like to run away, but i know the force is against me. i count the remaining months with my fingers, and to bear this feeling alone leaves me lonely and cold.

***

some days i wish for death, for i am tired.

***

to whom do/can we turn to?

no one.

***

i should’ve trusted the eyes.

some eyes shine brighter than others, some are sharp, some are clear eyed, some lacklustre, dull as their personalities. insecurities, tiredness, courage, warmth, all in the eyes. some lack determination. to meet a person in the eye, to stare at length, as if to read, to understand and to be understood, that should be the first point of love.

it is from the eyes that i seek affirmation, but when all i see are a pair of overwhelming concerned, anxious, tired, unambitious eyes, it is how i start to abandon all want.

***

now, i will cry.