of course, i have said all i intended to say, and so now we wait. either way i am in position of not to care of whatever consequences that may happen. and we have experienced many little deaths already, such that there is nothing to lose anyway – i have cut out my heart into pieces and one by one it is trampled upon, sampai lunyai. dan kalau ada orang yang mahu resurrect it all all i can do is smile weakly as i breathe my last. how exaggerating.
and even if i dream of you in the rain bringing out a bouquet of stories to sell, and that we, sat down at the porch speaking to each other in hushed reverential tones, and then she emerges from the door, walking past us in full awe, a goddess scorned, i am not to take meaning in any of this, and discard it all just like everything i have done to all my restless nights, buried and forgotten.
we spoke of death yesterday. you on your mighty chair, and i exhausted from the multitude of people i have to face every other day – and you spoke of your dead friends and lost lovers and airport encounters – and i with my epileptic death and road accidents and the protruding yellow that mysteriously gnaws at you from a distance – death terrifies you, because you have been so much among the living you seem to see death as something distant and foreign.
have you forgotten a time when you used to speak of death as your dear friend, death as the ultimate exit, the cure to every suffering, the ultimatum, the bearer of all definite answers (and it still is, isn’t it?), death as a goal, death as a longing? that the thought of death seems so novel and grand an idea, and each day wouldn’t pass without you speaking of death?
so lost you are in your living. on loving. on becoming. on being. when clearly we all carry a death within us, and like a thread and the spool, time, like a string, is coming shorter and shorter, yet look at all the years accumulate behind us, monstrously, ready to engulf you at any moment.
and people, the only reason you are putting yourself out there is to rid yourself of your self. to be amongst strangers and feel little and insignificant and to gain insight on the world. brazilians speak portugese, for example. not spanish. and you, feel, yourself quit capable of all this. it is time anyway to speak and be merry rather than hole up with your malay-ness and all that. one does not have to fit a particular mould at all. and you yourself, the most individualized among all the individuals, with all your peculiarities and penchants, you know yourself to be better than this.
and bert says, you are the most unique of people.
iran iran iran. so many people from iran.
and then there’s the brother, in all his piety, speaking of marriage and the quran without any difficulty. so dedicated he is in his studies, in god, in relation to people, friends, family. he speaks english to you now, and his attitude, his gait, resembles R too much. and you envy him, as always.
mother. mother. mother. where would i be without mother?
perkaraperkara 