Tag: ever so elusive

lucidity

if you could just look upon the world as one fucking big dream, where everything would be so surreal, like you never really belong there in the first place, more like, forced into it and shut, everything would be a such a breeze.
because you don’t really attach yourself, to anything, to anyone, because having perceived them as ultimately unreal, a certain lucidity, you don’t really have to worry about anything. everything solid, just looks solid, because that was the way you are trained and conditioned with. but if you look real hard, and think real hard, using that intellect of yours, you’d soon find out everything else doesn’t matter much.
entangled much by worldly affairs, you need to detach yourself one by one from it, declaring you couldn’t be bothered much about this anymore. so you throw away all the crap from your room, empty out every single value you have held so dearly, leave every single person you have associated yourself with, because they seemed pale and foolish, even pathetic, in comparison. they cannot, and will not, understand, anything, and if they do, it doesn’t matter.
what you seek is not a companion that is like-minded, or some new subject to be fascinated with, or some author cum philospher that somehow speaks of things you have thought of before, or a place where you can fuck up and be miserable in your own solitude; what you only seek is a peace of mind. a moment of clarity. absolute silence, where there is nothing but an understanding of the nature of things.
but don’t risk losing your sanity, dude.
it’s all or nothing.

beautifully illustrated

Meh, I’m getting bad sleep cycle. It’s shit. I hate the internet. But I suppose it’s normal. Shit I need seven hours of interrupted sleep to fully get immersed in this secret little project I’m taking (we always have little secret projects we don’t tell people about). I suppose it’s not working. I don’t even turn off the computer anymore now that I have broadband that can well, download movies and anything else I want without limit. And because of this, everything else is distruptive. The only time I can even get time to read a book is either when I want to go to sleep or when I’m waiting for something you can’t control to end (classes, trains, pick me ups). It’s shitty, the way things turned out. I haven’t finished Sartre’s Nausea yet. But I couldn’t give a damn. Whatever.

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Anyway, reading Teddy from Mr. Salinger’s Nine Stories for the well, third time, since a space of two years, really bring a bit of clarity of how these things called meditations and stuff works out. Heck, I even regard Salinger as my secret little undeclared friend, like there’s this sort of mutual understanding between us. But, even I know I’m exaggerating this all. Teddy is like, the classic example of how you’re supposed to be in the first place. Not supposed to be, that’s quite a wrong way to put it, but well, almost a good thing. But well, his part on the whole affinity thing takes a new different meaning.
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Some dude keeps on asking about what does people think about him and stuff. I suppose you shouldn’t worry about things too much. Even if you want to, you’ve got to make it a personal mission, something like eavesdropping, like an accidental sort of conversational stuff. Not by asking around, to reassure you self-worth. I mean, well, I even asked about this to someone, and what she said was a bit tad… irritating. Well, not surprising, since it’s already obvious to begin with, just this sorta ‘oh rly?’ sort of stuff. I resented the ‘competitive’ adjective though. I ain’t that much of a competitor, am I?
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On another lighter note, someone said I made frequent use of hand gestures, and always looked up. I said I was thinking. I really was. Really. Kinda validated the point about Keirsey’s NT description. I’m still, and will be obsessed about this thing for the rest of my life.
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Shit, I’m supposed to write about this in my new journal (yang lama sudah habis di isi in a space of 8 months). Aku baru beli buku journal paling cantik di dunia yang dijual oleh seorang perempuan cun di sebuah tempat. covernya dan isinya ada gambar-gambar the sartorialist yang di modify dengan doodle-doodle perempuan cun itu (katanya pada aku). tapi aku sayang gila nak tulis apa-apa lagi. it’s virginal. tunggu april. holy april.
~
dah dah dah cukup. aku pasti kamu tak memahami separuh daripada benda-benda yang aku katakan. i’m one helluva secretive bastard who doesn’t even have half the guts to try to explain everything in detail. it’s tiresome. i don’t need an audience.