There is constant battle inside your head that constantly wants something yet it doesn’t really project itself in order to be achieved. The initial process, the ‘beginning’, might surface if enough motivation exists, but like everything else, nothing says permanent. it loses itself, dissipates into nothingness, into the air, lost in between your doings.
Or perhaps there is something more sinister to it. Perhaps once you do start to do something with the loftiest attitude possible, with the highest spirit and optimism, you start to suspect the reason behind all your action. Why? You distrust genuine feelings and motivation, thinking of another underlying cause, which may be easily concluded that you may be lying to yourself about your initial cause. You replace them with a more rational thought, something that is driven by ‘want’ and the ‘fruits of work’, or even to make you feel better about yourself. You refuse to accept that even that something arises out of feeling, or concern, or even niceties. You want to believe that everyone must be as miserable as you, that all the reason for all their happiness and politeness must result from their desire to conform to other people, or to avoid conflict.
But then you’d realize, that even you yourself conform to your own idea of yourself, of not what you really are. There is an image of yourself that you want to achieve, because you want to think that you are that miserable, when in fact, you know this all along you’re just a normal human being.
In the end, you become a slave to your own idea.
perkaraperkara 