Kadangkala dependency secara keseluruhan terhadap sesuatu objek akan menjadikan kita lebih rapuh dari segi pemikiran dan perkembangan. Kita menjadi terlalu selesa dengan sesuatu keadaan itu sehingga untuk melepaskannya teramatlah susah, menjadikan kita, buat tidak peduli dan meneruskan kehidupan macam dahulu.
Sial.
Day by day, you go through this world feeling absolutely no relevance with the people around you. Perhaps there is some, a weak one, but you would want to discard those because there is no use trying to reinforce something you have little interest in and make it a large part of your world. Your world consists purely of your own idealistic views, of what you should listen, what you should know, watch, and learn. Other things are tolerated, but only as a matter of fact – used in a casual conversation where you only ask and listen only to make some friendly gesture, where the next time you see them, the same questions will be asked, and you have forgotten about the answers, because you were never listening in the first place.
In this world of yours, you feel this secret need to share with people, but it is only exclusively opened to a select few ; those whom you feel would not only understand of your need, but also understand and enjoy your world. Those who would, in an instant, ask questions out of pure interest in both you and the subject. The moment they express this, you feel evoked and excited to talk; you used hand gestures, you talk in detail, and you expect more questions, because you rarely experience such things.
But what is rare, is rare.
With everyone else, you fail. So what do you do? You sit in your room, reading something, staring at the ceiling, the window, forming random mental images and circumstances inside your head, thinking what to write, what to do the next day, dwell inside you mind searching for what is missing really, ask more questions until you’re tired and fall asleep.
There is no use trying to connect with people where you don’t feel any connections with. Why make new ones? It’s too tiresome and bothersome, and you might even make a wrong one. Might as well stay quiet.
Finally I’m able to write something.
Truth be told, place where I’m at has no proper WiFi, so you have to kinda go around the main academic building to get internet. So yeah, it’s annoying. So here I am, hoping connection would be alright. But enough about that. Let’s talk of this place.
Hmmm…. let’s see. I’ve already started my first year in Electrical Engineering. Classes only started yesterday so I cant talk about that much. But so far, it seemed pretty… hard. Because I’m not used to liking anything electric during the past 3 years or so. Like I said, I haven’t really read Physics during my second semester last year, so I’m kinda… well, stupid in that particular area regarding electricity and devices and whatnot. But I’ll be fine once I start reading. Hopefully it’ll be 4.00 all the way. But we’ll see about that.
Studies aside, which ain’t that important right now, I’m gonna do some other stuff. There’s a few essay competitions to enter, and a few other short stories to write, and some storyboard to figure out (if I care to do that one), so I guess I’ll be doing those first.
Jeez, everything I write here comprises of things I want to do and never the things I did. Blame the lack of wifi. I can’t write when there’s nothing much on my mind right now. Leave it to another post.
Yes.
I’m leaving tomorrow.
aku akan pergi luar di balkoni, hamparkan tikar, dan tengok bulan.
jauh dari orang ramai.
lagi cool macam ni.
selamat tahun baru walaupun ianya tak bermakna.
Let’s see… in four days time I’m gonna be registering at this particular place called BMI. It’s one of those UniKL branches by the way. I hate them.
How the fuck can they determine the places for our universities in Australia already? It ain’t fair. Cause basically you can’t put people based on their foundation’s CGPA… I mean, fuck, what the hell am I going to UniKL for? Play darts? It’s a goddam first year engineering la labu, not some worthless practical “hands-on” (ugly words) training? You can’t do this, asshole.
Why the fuck can’t I apply for myself? Why the fuck did those delegates come here to promote their universities when I am not bestowed the power to choose? Jeez.
If I knew this would happen, I would’ve never done engineering. I would’ve gone on and feed on my other interests which are far better and cooler than this thing. Agh.
Ceh, I thought the only purpose of doing the foundation was to pass the 3.5 mark and go to unikl where the gpa’s there would count for going to overseas. So I didn’t really cared about it. At first, I did. And having the highest marks for chemistry, computer science and english seemed to have no benefits nor awards whatsoever. So fuck, if there’s no acknowledgement, I might as well do nothing. So I did nothing. I didn’t care about studying in the second half of the year. It was convenient that way. And all the way to the exam hall, I studied not even 10 minutes nor did I listen to any of the lectures. I copy from people. It’s disgusting. . The result was pretty mediocre. You can’t expect to suddenly know everything if you haven’t actually learned about it in the first place. This has nothing to do with intelligence. It’s about discipline and a skewered perception of how things work. About being wise.
But I didn’t want to care. It wasn’t important anyway
But it was… in the end.
I’m ungrateful, ain’t I?
and it’s already the end. of 2009. well, nearly.
I actually prepared a list of things that happened throughout the year, and the list of movies, books music, and uh, interesting subjects that came up, but I’ll probably just keep them to myself. It’s too tiresome to write about each and every one of them. And I suck at doing reviews.
I remember one day after I went to the public library during the holidays, and I read this particular book that looked interesting in one sitting, where this perverted guy bothered me and asked if I wanted to go downstairs at the car park to talk and stuff (yeah right), and me telling him to fuck off (or something like that). Then I went out and waited my dad to pick me up, which was way too long. I started to write a 2 page review in the cold freezing rain, outside the goddam building (it was closed by then), and wondering if that perverted guy would suddenly show up. Fuck.
But that was years ago.
And those “years ago” I was waiting for the time when I would turn eighteen. Because I have actually planned to do this particular thing. But when I did execute it, it turns out the odds are still against me, and the risks have gone higher. So I stopped halfway.
Being eighteen means carrying your own responsibilities and also means things get much more serious. People won’t even tolerate the awful things you did because you’re supposed to be mature and all that. A loss of innocence if you call it. Everything you do will go down the record, and sooner or later, when your fourty five and going through the prime of your life, someone’s gonna find out and use it against you.
And this is what I hate about being an adult. Or what I will hate when I become one.
Why I love the Yeah Yeah Yeahs.
Sebab duduk rumah selalu, tak banya benda boleh diceritakan. Semuanya scene-scene kekeluargaan yang tak menarik bagi kebanyakan orang.
Peristiwa hari ini;
Scene 1
Ayah
Di atas meja ada sup sayur, ikan masin, dan donut 2 biji yang dipotong lapan. Maghrib. Mari mencapai donut dan makan.
“Oh ayah puasa ek?”
“Ye la”
“Asal?”
“10 Muharram”
*blur*
“So?”
“Anisah, pergi ambik buku ayah baca semalam”
*Anisah pergi ambil dekat bilik setor merangkap ex bilik bibik*
“10 Muharram ni, hari di mana Nabi Nuh dikeluarkan dari Ikan Paus, sepatutnya kena puasa 9 dengan 10 sekali-“
“Lagu Radiohead!!!”
Pergi depan TV. Lagu Karma Police.
“Cis. Guna lagu ni untuk interview budak-budak kecik main bola.”
*tengok kejap nak dengar interview perempuan-perempuan bajet tomboy nak main bola wtf*
*duduk balik meja. tengok ayah semula. dia sedang recite bahagian akhir hadith.*
“Riwayat Ibnu Abbas”
“Oh okay”
Scene 2
Anisah
Dalam bilik
“Kakak beli buku nota baru eh?”
“Yeah”
“Berapa?”
“13”
“Tak leh mahal lagi ke?”
“Bla la kau kau bukannya guna pun buat pe nak kisah”
“Eh, anisah ada.”
“Tunjuk”
*tunjuk*
“Eleh, ko bukannya tulis pape un”
*menunjuk buku-buku nota lama*
“Eh, bestnye tulis banyak-banyak”
“Tulisan sampah je”
“Oh bestnya ada calender buatan. Nak buat jugaklah”
*Dia ambil pembaris, kertas warna, dan pen. Dan buat”
“Okay”
Scene 3
Ehsan
Sedang main kapal terbang kertas sambil bercakap dengan diri sendiri. orang lain memandang pelik.
“Dude pergi tidur!”
“Tak nak. Ehsan tak mengantuk”
“Dude bla dari bilik aku”
*buat bodoh*
“Dude meh sini aku tunjuk buku buat kapal terbang*
*keluar bilik pergi rak buku busuk*
“Ugh, kat bawah kut. Malas ar. Kau baca ni la”
*campak buku-buku kanak-kanak random 13 tahun dahulu*
*Campak “Whose home?”*
*Campak “Whose legs?”*
*Campak “Si Taring Kecil”*
“Baca la”
*Dia baca sambil seorang lagi capai gitar sebelah rak buku dan main dengan buruknya*
Scene 4
Ehsan
“Dude pergi tidur la”
“Tak nak”
“Eee… sibuk doh”
“Ehsan nak dengar lagu Lollipop“
*wtf? pergi pasang*
Scene 5
Ehsan. Yang sedang menangis akibat dikacau anisah.
“Weh senyaplah”
*menangis*
“Siot ar. Asal ko kacau dia?”
“Ehsan, pernah dengar pasal abang janggut tak?”
*wtf abang janggut*
*geleng*
“Abang janggut baik. Pernah dengar tak?”
*geleng*
“Ada sorang abang ni kan, dulu-dulu masa dia kecik dia selalu kena buli. Tau tak buli tu apa?”
*geleng. dah berhenti menangis yeah*
“Buli tu kena kacau la dengan orang lain. Kena marah ke. Macam tu ar. Faham tak?”
*angguk*
“Abang ni kan, bila dia besar, dia cakap kat diri dia yang kalau ada budak kecik kena buli, nanti dia kasi hadiah. Um… dalam mimpi”
“So bila ehsan tidur nanti, ehsan mimpi ar. Esok ko bitau aku ko dapat hadiah apa”
*2 minit lepas tu dia tidur. yeah*
***
See, bosan kan?
Cerita abang janggut adalah rekaan-rekaan bosan yang diadakan kalau bosan dan ingin menakutkan budak-budak kecik. Sama macam “Hantu Lampu Oren di belakang rumah” dan “Nenek Kebayan dan Monyet yang makan orang”. Kadangkala, merepek pada budak kecik itu seronok.
Okay, nanti aku tulis benda berseronok yang berkualiti. Tunggu bila aku betul-betul mahu escape belajar baru aku boleh menulis untuk membuang masa. Tapi ini semua alasan. Biarlah aku.
Tamat.
perkaraperkara 