it flashes before your eyes

random excerpts for those who have lost their way but must go on (or whatever ramblings after the most odiously poorly written entries for the past few uh, months)


hari ini aku witness benda paling menarik di dunia. some dude walking on the pavement with his shoes on, foxwalking. atau, jalan jengket. how the heck did he pulled that one off. admiration aku sungguh tinggi. mamat jalan jengket sungguh wow.
hari ini ada orang mesej aku dan kata nama dia aisyh (atau spelling lain yang boleh di-derive dari situ). aku malas balas sebab dia mention fb. where the fuck did you get my number. mungkin roommate aku sendiri, tapi aku malas semak semula. teruk betul.
sila bawa phone ke mana-mana, terutamnya bila mengikut orang. mana tahu kamu boleh end up jalan tengah-tengah panas sambil minta tolong cashier mahu pinjam phone setelah beli benda paling murah dalam kedai tersebut. dan dia tak bagi.
bila ada orang salah eja sesuatu, dia sangat kasihan. terutamanya perkataan mencarut. cuba eja douchebag dengan elok, bukan duecebag. maksud lain sudah. melainkan secara deliberate. tapi kalau kamu eja douchebag sebagai ducebag dan duecebag dalam dua seperate entry aku dah tahu.
juga, jangan terlalu suka menghina orang dan buat deliberately obscure jokes dengan harapan someone will get it. most of them never do. okeh, bukan menghina, rather noting upon striking features of a person/speech/writing. in most probability, your antiques are best reserved to yourself and internet forums.
kadang-kadang juga aku akan meletakkan post title yang akan reference mana-mana lagu, dengan harapan, juga, that someone akan point out dengan excitednya. but most of them never do. ini juga sedih. mungkin juga terlalu obscure. damn.
if you are hoping some more self deprecating, self analysing, finger pointing, event covering, name dropping, romance conflicts, soulmate comparing, future reflections, advice giving, here, then you’re out of luck. i’d rather be smiling stupidly like Mark Renton at the of the Trainspotting movie than write more Junk Dilemmas. or something similiar. everything here is rubbish.
okay go read the book and watch the movie. and then re-read The Elusive Mr Hunt for the kicks. and then quote quote quote.
No, it’s not bad, but it’s not great either. And in your heart you kind of know that although it sounds all right, it’s actually just shite.

tamat.

a deconstructive manner

the reason why i now resent saying anything explicitly revealing, especially of the true nature of the self, whatever that may mean, or even if that existed, is that i now prefer, to keep things to myself. gone are the days of yapping incessantly here, because it is of no use, as it does nothing to make me ‘feel better’, because words, they can only do so much as to convey meaning, of defining things already in your head, only in a constructed manner.

so i prefer to do pretty much most of my thinking and talking aloud and imagine words being written when i stare into the ceilings. preferably in a low-light, or best in closed dark spaces zone. only no more grasping gestures to see my own hands, nor tracing letters. this way, spacing out for hours seems pretty much a viable option rather than writing things i would most likely edit and put in drafts. perhaps the number of my drafts here to the number of posts here is ten to one. absolute secrecy.
another thing to note is perhaps due to much reading. i am reading too much, too many things at once. by too many, of course, the ideas would be as less intriguing, since one book comes after another. not as effective. not as fascinating. we played the flute for you, and you did not dance. not much time for reflecting. impatience, i would call it. at this age, young as i am, time is fleeting much at a faster rate, and somehow we seem to rush things. a certain feeling of death looms besides me. so many things to do, to read, to watch, to practice, to play, to listen, yet what must be ultimately done is to cut away from all this. one day, definitely, i shall go and sit under my own bodhi tree. and sit. one of these days.

Go to bed, now. Quickly. Quickly and slowly.

MLM shittery

Beberapa minggu lalu, aku tiba tiba end up and tag along seseorang dalam sebuah talk yang mempromosi pakej pendidikan online dan kemudian mengajak orang-orang yang ‘mahu menjana pendapatan sambilan’ supaya join the crew. Fuckers. I knew this thing looked shady from the start. ‘Ceramah pendidikan’ was the only info i got before going into that hall.
Step inside you get a bunch of old men and women in their 30s and 40s waiting for the thing to start. All the while people working there clad in tuxedos and glittery initials pins smartly placed at their tuxs looking like smartasses and mamat berkerjaya. Macam hari kau nak pergi interview scholarship or something. making a presentation. bullshit gila aku beritahu kamu.
Guy comes and talks about how this thing works, opening with how ‘zaman sekarang zaman IT, dan semuanya online’ dan merepek pasal ‘semua orang nak anak dia pandai’, gives a few examples on how much money is poured by the goverment on how to realize 100% sekolah bestari. Siap bagi bajet rmk-10 lagi. Then goes on to how important it is to take action now and embrace this thing.
The thing is, I wasn’t even really listening to this sort of thing. the whole time, i was reading The Boy Who Looked at Clouds while listening to songs by The Kinks and the like .Only when the guy in front yelled (even with the microphone) something funny like, “Anda mahu jadi berjaya macam saya?” that I looked up and gave a dirty look. Interestingly though, all the other people, the audience, or moneygrubbers, were thoroughly excited everytime when the guy empasized on how much money you would earn if you did this and that. Very impressionable, perhaps.
Now, I don’t hold anything against this whole programme/package thingy, but what the fuck? How can something like an online buku kerja costs nearly Rm600? I’ve never paid anything online my whole life, and perhaps will never since I have piratebay.org to fullfill my downloading and leeching needs, except when ordering Kinokuniya books online. And those books are physical objects. But something, a product which is generated online, and costs not much maintainence, selling things exceedingly beyond what they worth, is full of shit. If one of these uh people manage to sell one package, they got a clean profit of nearly half the price. Smart fuckers, eyh?
But still, people go and buy this sorta stuff, believing that it will somehow menaikkan bilangan A dan markah dalam mata pelajaran. The same reason parents send their children to tuitions. Now, I never believed in tuitions. That sort of thing is fucked up. Why pay for something when you can learn it by yourself, and get free classes in school? I remember going for Maths and Biology classes when I was in Form 4 and I hated it. Quitted after two weeks. Perhaps I hated the fact the teachers were teaching in Bahasa, and mis-pronouncing a few English words. Heh jahat gila. But at least, it’s an honest labour by teachers, which makes paying for it worthwhile.
But anyway, the product aside, which already creates a large amount of moolah, this shady guy also promoted to everyone to join the crew and help find other interested people to join the crew. for a fee. Find a guy and you get some comission. More moolah. And then he goes yelling about how ‘saya berhenti kerja untuk menumpukan terhadap kerjaya ini yang nyata lebih menguntungkan’ and how he now earns more than his previous boss. Again, more orgasmic wows from the audience. Another dirty look from me.
After an agonizing two hours in that place, aku dan kawan aku pun pergi blah before those dudes ramble some more about some ‘kursus khas’. But of course, the one who initially asked her to come somewhat managed to stopped us to go minum minum dulu. Ugh. Nasib baik kena belanja. Dan of course we didn’t want anything to do with this.
You see, I don’t hold much against these kind of people. It’s their right to hoard all the wealth they can, because perhaps, they do have some needs and some family to feed and all that, but it’s all fucking materialistic. I’m sick of being tagged in Facebook by some stranger showing off loads of RM50 ringgit notes which he probably took from somewhere else, and some car in which he probably bought second-handed and paying in installments for ten years. I get it. You people love money.
Perhaps I’m not in a position to talk about it since I don’t have much need for it, at least for now. The only object I desire for now a is a pair of Dr Marten boots (sila usha sangat awesome) . I don’t believe in saving up for the future, and even investing. I don’t believe in easy money, no matter how halal you say it is. My own cousin owes my dad thousands of ringgit for getting into this shit.
Fuck you, MLM.

hear hear

Got back from the debating thingy last night and sangat penat and I’m recovering by listening to stuff, reading, watching American History X, sleeping, and most importantly, internet. I shall savor the last two weeks of holiday hahahahaha. Sadly I am unable to successfully locate the guitar in the house. Dammit lupa letak mana. Teruk betul.

Uh, how’d it go? I’m too lazy to write about it. Uh, my team didn’t even got to the quarter finals, winning only two out of four rounds (again), which is kinda of a major relief plus a minor ‘ah sedihnya’, and our other team, BMI 2, did got through. Suffice to say, RCMP won against KMKN, which is uh, entertaining. Bashing ooh. Though semua orang macam wtf apehal KMKN tetiba masuk final. Losing to a bunch of kids. Group hugs. But what’s done is done. Meeting everyone was fun. Hell, debating itself is fun, altough I know I suck.
Anyway, aku baru sahaja discover That Effing Show yang macam super lawak. Super witty. Super awesome. Super lol. This could easily replace newspapers, considering I don’t read ’em anymore, for lack of non-ignorance. Fuck yeah.

debate

the whole while people were going to BMI for the UniKL sports carnival, i was one of the few who was there for a different reason; debating. which really sucks because i’ve been staying there for the whole week in some dingy room, sleeping on the mattress with no sheets and pillow, no laptop, which was kinda shitty. oh well. all the while hearing people from down at the cafe shouting and cheering for their world cup teams, disturbing my oh peaceful sleep. not to mention some bastards pergi skodeng and taking pictures of girls in showers early in the morning. fucking assholes. google sudah la. ugh.
Oh yeah, BMI menang overall. Five years in a row. How cool is that? Though perhaps I couldn’t care less. Mainly because I don’t give rat’s ass about sports in general. Partially because being proud of something in which you have no part of, and take non whatsoever benefit/joy from it, is stupid.
So far training has been a-okay, since there’s this senior joining us, and she’s super hebat. yeah i know i suck. need to work on mechanism and building up good arguments. more examples, perhaps. i, especially, need to be able to deliver my points in a more constructive manner, and stop saying sorry everytime i make a mistake. also, to have more intonation. egh, passion baby passion. malasnya.
dudes from MFI uploads pictures of em practicing with magazines and printed stuff all over the table, when all we have over here is pen and paper. dammit. i sense impending failure. only my wit and cunning will save me, if i have any of those. blegh. of knowledge and current issues, i have none. mainly because i have adopted an ignorant behavior towards things happening around. oblivious, you might say. oh well, biarla.
the debate competition is gonna be next tuesday, so i’ve to drag my ass back to BMI in a few hours time for some more uh, practice. then onwards to ipoh. yeah.
semoga berjaya oh.