without meaning

so you really want to do this?

do what?
you know what.

yeah, i don’t know. probably. what’s it to you?
nothing.
oh really? then why bring it up in the first place?
just asking.
*silence*
but if you really wanna know, yeah, it’s a, definitely maybe, thing.
oh. go on, then.
just like that? you ain’t gonna say a thing?
i’d rather not. i’m not too good on goodbyes. or anything for that matter.
hmm, well, okay. take care.
aaaaarghhh sial.

essentials

  1. Scribbled secret notebooks, and wild typewritten pages, for yr own joy
  2. Submissive to everything, open, listening
  3. Try never get drunk outside yr own house
  4. Be in love with yr life
  5. Something that you feel will find its own form
  6. Be crazy dumbsaint of the mind
  7. Blow as deep as you want to blow
  8. Write what you want bottomless from bottom of the mind
  9. The unspeakable visions of the individual
  10. No time for poetry but exactly what is
  11. Visionary tics shivering in the chest
  12. In tranced fixation dreaming upon object before you
  13. Remove literary, grammatical and syntactical inhibition
  14. Like Proust be an old teahead of time
  15. Telling the true story of the world in interior monolog
  16. The jewel center of interest is the eye within the eye
  17. Write in recollection and amazement for yourself
  18. Work from pithy middle eye out, swimming in language sea
  19. Accept loss forever
  20. Believe in the holy contour of life
  21. Struggle to sketch the flow that already exists intact in mind
  22. Dont think of words when you stop but to see picture better
  23. Keep track of every day the date emblazoned in yr morning
  24. No fear or shame in the dignity of yr experience, language & knowledge
  25. Write for the world to read and see yr exact pictures of it
  26. Bookmovie is the movie in words, the visual American form
  27. In praise of Character in the Bleak inhuman Loneliness
  28. Composing wild, undisciplined, pure, coming in from under, crazier the better
  29. You’re a Genius all the time
  30. Writer-Director of Earthly movies Sponsored & Angeled in Heaven
From Jack Kerouac, here. Now I must take my leave.

september reading list

with the ban lifted, in what seemed to be a twice a week to kinokuniya trip buying absolutely nothing, and with some ketua pemuda from twitterjaya giving off books for birthday presents, and borrowing stuff from dude who lost a bunch iof stuff over raya, this month seems to be a hopeful one. mostly read during the raya.

i mainly survived on reading during all rayas. last year was trainspotting together with the portrait of an artist as a young man, the year before was nine stories, the year before that was franny and zooey, and year before that particular year was the catcher in the rye together with beyond good and evil. yeh, i know, i’m pretentious. i am fond of mr. salinger. sadly about three people didn’t return all those three books; the pristine white version. i am left with a sad looking seymour; an introduction, quite alone on his own.
anyway, without any reviews, because i’m too lazy. just a lazy list.
  • Tapai by Hishamuddin Rais (!!!!!)
  • Confessions of an Old Boy: The Dato’ Hamid Adventures by Kam Raslan (!!!!!)
  • On the Road by Jack Kerouac
  • Paradise Lost by John Milton
  • Program Pendidikan Pelajar Pintar Cerdas: Teori dan Praktik by Nik Azis Nik Pa (!!! – dug this number from the dad’s shelf. very um, academic )
that should suffice. lots to do this week and the week after. some stupid critical thinking speech, a subject that should be rightfully murdered and burned. also that essay. blegh. and some video for some subject. things like these they kill me. as much as i wish for timelessness, i also wish for time to be extended. one to block out people and shit, and another to welcome whatever subject. blegh.
Chuck Palahniuk akan ditangguhkan bulan depan. I like your humble narrator better. Also, New Malaysian Essays 3 will be released sometime this week.
until next time.

the same as it was before

the thought that writing this, subsists trough time, unlike pure imaginary thought, is a haunting one. it is not like one of shakespeare’s sonnets; his beloved’s beauty captured, immortal, read by others. no, nothing of that sort. for there’s no beauty in this whatsoever. just a bunch immaculate words jumbled, mashed up together, thinking that they form some idea or thought, so that they may be understood by others. write an epigram or two, which could easily be substituted by the name of crappy poems, and be thought profound by others.

in the first place, and in the first place, i don’t know why the fuck i would keep coming back writing here, when i’ve got other places to write on. it’s not as if it would be consolation or something. producing something out of your head, either verbally or in writing, does nothing but to arrange your thoughts, make them coherent to others, communicate them in order to generate a mutual understanding between two individuals.
but fuck, i know that i never quite find the exact words to express anything tangible. it’s not a complete mystery or anything, or deeply complicated, but it’s just messed up. scraps of events here and there, tiny ornaments that seem to signify something, people that seem to seamlessly fly out of your hands, useless pile of information that was never put to good use, a wide range of knowledge of pop culture, literature, music, poetry, myths, films, paintings, symbols, history, buildings and shit. you get all fed all sorts of stuff you don’t quite know how to blurt anything out except rubbish.
add this to the diminishing amount of vocabulary i seem to have, the degeneration of this brain which gets only worse by the day, or by age for that matter, the amount of responsibility and duty which comes with that, it’s getting annoyingly depressing. now one often hears this particular word uttered by friends and people alike. and hey hey give me my happy pills if it makes me feel better. it’s fucking annoying, i tell you. it does nothing but make you feel numb and dumb, tired and bored, wallowing in self pity; it’s makes it all worse.
if only it was as easy as that.

an alright start

semalam hari jadi aku.

terima kasih kepada mereka yang ucap di awal pagi, cakap ‘boo’, campak seluar tidur warna biru awan awan yang ada tag “Aunty Pants” atas katil aku, yang menyanyi lagu hari jadi di pagi exam yang macam sial tu (maaf cakap babi), yang terlambat wish dan tak bagi hadiah, yang beri gelang warna turqois yang sangat keperempuanan, yang beri kasut hadiah hari jadi awal, yang beri buku yang tak diketahui tajuknya lagi, yang hantar mesej uber awesome tapi tak sempat balas sebab tidak berkredit (buat masa sekarang), yang bagi baju tidur warna pink gambar aiskrim, yang telefon dan cakap hei hei sori lambat baru habis kerja baru habis kelas baru teringat, dan yang terakhir yang tak cakap apa-apa dan tak tahu apa-apa pun.
sebab some fucker telah beli versi Siddartha yang aku nak (yang sebenarnya dah aku tengok dan pastikan ianya masih ada di rak buku kinokuniya selama sebulan lebih), aku jadi bengang dan beli komik Death Note Vol. 10-12. Walaupun the final volume itu agak crappy, dan sedih (serta tak sanggup baca semula tengok Kira si hebat mati dengan hina), serta Near’s eyes punya drawing telah completely ditukar to more L-like rather than serious-like, which is majorly annoying, at least koleksi Death Note aku telah complete setelah tertungggak selama tiga tahun. balik rumah mari re-read muhahaha.
aku tidur nyenyak semalam..

it was godlessness

I can’t seem to sleep. Thoughts running through my head, they need to be put somewhere. Though I could never seem to describe them in graphic detail, though. Because I am one secretive bastard.

Tales of cheating, lying, forging, stealing, trading, killing, cutting, hurting, crying, selling, bragging, laughing, planning, writing, burning, shouting, screaming, shrieking, arguing, staring, grabbing, pulling, pushing, throwing, jumping, stepping, breaking, hiding, running, bloodletting, talking, eating, sleeping, suffocating, vomiting, aching, whispering, watching, walking, sitting, lying, dying, waking, regretting.
In no chronological order, of course.
Screw this. I have two papers in the morning.

perasaan rasa bersalah

Kenapa yang setiap kali aku cuba call kau, mesej kau, kau tak pernah reply?
Aku tak tahu. Aku memang macam ni.
Aku tunggu kau. empat hari bulan tujuh, kau cakap nak datang shah alam. tapi kau takde cakap pape pun.
Maaf. Aku memang macam ni. Agaknya ramai orang sedang bengang dengan aku.
Aku tau. Aku tak bengang. Cuma agak kecewa.
Itu dan ini.
Kemudian dia tambah lagi;
Kau sihat?
Lebih kurang. Mungkin. Ya. Sama macam orang-orang normal yang lain. Tak macam dulu. Aku tak tahu. Entah.
Walaupun kau mahu cakap sebaliknya.
Damn.
Maaf. Maaf. Maaf.

congratulations


Hey, hari jadi aku dah dekat. Minta tolong rakan-rakan belikan dua benda ini;

  1. Stokin warna hitam
  2. Seluar tidur
Aku percaya kepada utiliti. Apa guna beli ornament ornament tak berguna yang hanya akan disimpan berhabuk di atas rak begitu sahaja? Bukan orang sentimental. Tapi aku suka simpan tulisan orang; surat, puisi, gambar kamu, akan ditampal dalam buku yang juga akan disimpan diatas rak, cuma dibelek beberapa kali dalam setahun. Itu dikira sentimental ke?
Ah.
Untuk diri sendiri, aku beli Siddartha dari Herman Hesse. Kamu tahu, taktala kamu semua berpuasa makanan, aku puasa daripada beli buku selama dua bulan? Banyak lagi buku di bilik masih belum habis dibaca. Itu dan mungkin capo. Yang ini malas nak cari. Aku malas nak tekan guna pensel.
Gambar di atas takde kena mengena dengan apa-apa pun. Nama dia Rain. Itu sahaja.
p/s; video MGMT yang baru keluar, Congratulations.

shot down

another week till the playstation three is carried off to the land of the free, and i just started to play final fantasy xiii. cis.
talk about sadness.
belajar lagi penting bai.
p/s; itu bandar baru bangi kalau kamu mahu tahu. jalan in-between dua sekolah. hari cuti. okeh gambar buruk aku tau. tak center pulak tu. itu kantin. bawah pokok belah kanan tu tempat aku selalu lepak time rehat masa darjah enam sambil makan roti cheese lima puluh sen. tempat lepak budak-budak cool. mana cool duduk bawah bumbung.
*nostalgia*
ah, abaikan.