for themselves. funny ones that don’t make sense. there is fire, water, and earth. and what is another? is it air? maybe. we need another one to complete ourselves. who would be a good candidate?
luggage, kononnya
your silence is killing me
funny how the very thing we choose to dispose of (or to dismiss), seems to be the only thing that keeps you going.
to be bored is to be desperate. you’ll cling to anything, now. oh little fragments won’t do. we want to be assailed, not poked gently by the whiff of your flail.
killer wails
you’re quite bored.
i’m restless.
read a book.
a distraction is but a distraction. never concrete. in about three minutes, everything dies into a tedium.
once you are about to discover something, while not always eager, but let’s say a bit, hopeful, an anticipation. but when it does appear itself, you’re not impressed.
when are you ever impressed.
many times. there was this kid, yesterday. i should tell you about her, but i don’t think i should.
so concealing in your revelation.
it’s no use. i think she has forgotten me. i get incredibly nervous around people. splurges. addled. nothing ever makes sense. it simply puts people off. i suppose i have kept things too long.
with no one at all to confide in?
not no one. well there is one, or two. but they too, must be spoken too, only once in a while. what use it is. nothing ever happens. everything gets lost. it’s the gesture that counts. not voices. everything betrays you.
i suppose it is never gone- this affliction.
what affliction.
i don’t know. what you have always suffered from.
you know how people say how, forward, i am with people? well i am most forward with myself. i afflict myself with the most atrocious names, utterly convinced that i am the most unhappiest of all, while realizing myself that even this is a lie. so lies constructed upon conviction upon suspicion, ad infinitum. vicious cycle, really. you never really know when to stop.
so what exactly are you trying to accomplish?
i don’t know i don’t know. some form of higher joy. i think. i am a bit, thrilled, but i know this to be cheap. to be paltry. i am the sedentary brood trying to regain what is lost in the wrong places.
what was ever lost?
nothing. love. redemption. faith. fear. could be any of those. or everything. i am not trembling. and because this, loathing.
loathing?
myself.
you do realize that trembling is just another word for recognition.
recognize what.
reality.
too broad a word.
but true nevertheless.
i recognize it, acknowledge it even, yet i dare not to say anything about it. can you help me, perchance?
sleep on it.
but how long must it go on. i am tired, even in my sleep.
tiredness. is that the same as boredom?
it’s linked, i think. then what?
nothing. zest. vigour. purposelessness.
it’s not even that.
affirmation, then.
close, but not quite.
lowering.
fitting. almost.
then that’s what you need to do.
a weakness.
a paralyzing one.
and all that en-sue-s
i laid out myself easily to be found.
so don’t cry for your discovery
this is paltry
and you are tawdry
good god
you must be bored
am i boring you?
good
let’s meet at kl sentral
eleven sharp
and we will sweep away all
a years dust under our feet
em and dee
***
***
what’s funny is that you’d buy a thirteen ringgit crappy bento lunch for yourself while earning not more than thirty ringgit a day.
***
so. bored.
everybody wants to be a writer…..
but all i wanted to do is to write about you. or anyone. or other earthly beings. or to talk to myself in a more elaborate manner. elaborate my ass. this is all cryptic, you know.
an elaborate ruse, then.
a form of tease.
this is where the fun comes in.
glee, glee, glee.
the hilarity.
the apple called logic
mungkin solat subuh berjemaah di surau di kawasan perumahan kamu itu ada baiknya juga. pertama, kamu dapat ceramah free yang kadang buat kamu malu dengan diri sendiri. kedua, bersuai kenal dengan jiran jiran kamu yang lazimnya kamu tak akan jumpa (atau ziarah di rumah mereka). ketiga, ketenangan di pagi hari menghirup udara segar. keempat, lepas balik surau mesti lapar tapi hei lihat, ada jual nasi lemak lah depan tu.
di surau, mana ada prejudis. kamu bagai sang anonymous yang datang menghadap dan menerima, tanpa ditanya apa apa kemudiannya. segala apa yang kamu terima, walau banyak mahupun sedikit, tak akan disoal siasat oleh para guru, kakak kakak, atau, siapa siapalah. dan tiap apa yang linger dalam diri kamu itu, kamu harus manfaatkan.
anak anak ustaz tu, umur enam tahun dah khatam alquran.
cool gila.
macam Seymour dan Buddy yang mahu Franny dan Zooey mengenal the Vedas sebelum acquainted dengan all those philosophers, ataupun Teddy yang memberi ceramah pantas kepada Nick bahawa dia mahu budak budak ditunjukkan gajah dahulu sebelum diajar all those names, all them apple eaters, begitu juga dengan ini. jangan diajar mereka huruf huruf romawi selagi belum pantas membaca huruf huruf arab.
saramago
kerana goodreads penuh dengan orang orang yang suka meneliti secara serius (atau tidak), kita berbicara di sini. aku sedang baca saramago (kerana apparently selepas aku google perkataan degenere superieur, sebab terbaca akannya di mana mana, mungkin James, dan any french word punya tarikan yang yang kuat untuk di-google. dan tiba tiba kita temui pessoa yang sungguh haha).
juga kerana aku tak mampu beli the book of disquiet (atau mungkin sebab memang harga tak boleh bla; why are books of poetry more expensive anyway? do lesser words = more thought = more value?) dan aversion sedia ada aku terhadap any poetry (kenapa? ini mungkin sebab, ah, seorang dua. atau lebih.). buku yang paling mahal aku pernah beli ialah House of Leaves. now that is a book worth reading. or worth analysing. but that was years ago.
jadi hei, kalau kamu ada baucer dua ratus itu dan tak tahu apa nak dilakukan dengannya, belikanlah untuk aku. *hint tak boleh bla*. then again, i could always borrow from the uni library. they have kafka’s diary weh (tapi aku malas nak baca ini). the only thing they lack is islamic books… and ginsberg. tapi ini semua understandable. what i would give to study at uni of melbourne….. haih.
tapi. saramago. agak. lawak. the kind of humor you appreciate when you have observed everything, slowly. not rigorously. the kind that lingers, that does not make you chuckle, but rather draw a long sigh, and afterwards a nostalgic snicker that lasts five seconds and off you drift to some fleeting memory.
kut. the more appropriate word, or hashtag that explains it all is #Ha.

