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I may very well think I am depressed.

It is hard to form a habit, when your mind is tired all the time. To feel constrained, then your body flung in different directions; I cannot take this. 

How does one form a positive outlook on life at this point? Everything has turned into the mundane. 

I had had a angry fit last night, after being called something by F. So much anger I could just crash into one of the cars while driving home. So much that I honked at people who were too slow in the second lane. 

And around me, frustration. 

My Spotify premium suddenly ended its subscription after not renewing my mobile data plan. And so, I am left with 3 albums on the Music app; A choice of Phoenix, Coldplay, and for some reason, U2. 

Sunday was largely spent in trying to meet expectations. To do biddings for my father’s cousins whose son has a convocation today. Then the laundry basket to tackle, a sad heap of 4-day clothes to be thrown in the washing machine. Then F and I just kinda lazed around all day until it was lunchtime and I forgot to turn off the stove and yesterday’s singgang daging went dry and the whole house smelled of smoke. 

I’ve been feeling a lot like a failure these days. Mostly because I do not do what I think I am supposed to do and failure to meet certain established standards make me feel worthless. I am no longer just myself, this sad excuse of a human being just waiting for for my existence to dissipate into the air. In a way, I have signed the pact to stay on; to solidify myself by getting married and hence attaching more stones to weigh my down on this earth. More and more expectations of how a wife or a daughter should be, a vision imposed by  my father and mother who we stay with. 

I have long accepted that I am not them and I cannot live by their ideals but maybe, just maybe, it all boils down to laziness. But I have always felt stuck, between toeing the line of safety and what is considered appropriate (all in good faith) and the conservative way of the good life, but I have and I always have struggled. 

 
I think I have decided I will not work during the next half of the year but to pursue other modes of life. Be it in the form of being overseas for travelling or for pleasure or to simply stay at home and focus on being.

I have long said or procastinated on the idea of writing simply due to the fact that I do not have time. What I really mean to say is, my mind is simply not focused enough to actually write and be free of distractions. 

3 hari lagi, saya akan mula menulis, harapnya, dan cuba untuk mendisiplin diri  sendiri untuk 1,000 patah kata sehari. 

Listening to Young the Giant’s In the Open playlist is always soothing.

Random facts:-

1. Had my first ‘German’ exposure through Eric Harris’ diaries, and yes, the one involved in the Columbine high school incident. He was fascinated with the whole SS thing, so I took a dive and tried to understand the World War 2, the language, the literature, all the images surrounding Hitler.
2. Rammstein. For some odd reason, this is the band that actually introduced me to some of first German words. And the songs stuck around ever since, but largely buried in the subconscious part of my mind.
3. Esther Greenwood/Plath ‘always wanted to study German’.
4. Nietzsche, beginning with Thus Spake Zarathustra.
5. Father bought me a German dictionary when I was 15. I have it here with me now, after digging through the whole library (It was finally found next to my Death Note comics).
6. Naoki Urasawa’s Monster manga is largely based in Germany, adding to the fascination.
7. Flensburg is next to Denmark, which has Copenhagen. One of the cities worth exploring to. It is also akin to Wollongong, being next to the sea, so I am hepi.

Nein months to go.

Is what I feel these days, with no thoughts that occupy my head, no interests that springs up in the heart. I look upon the world not with fresh eyes or enthusiasm, just a long drag of a heartbeat that stretches for days and days that turns into a week, hoping soon it would turn into a month and somehow I shall emerge into the future unscathed.

But I yearn to seek and seek earnestly the truth of this world and what role do I fill in and how do I slowly, but surely achieve that.

I’ve been in a limbo since last August, but 8 months on, I should have no regrets. It is this path that I have chosen that has gotten me to places I wouldn’t otherwise dream of.

I no longer have anxiety attacks at night, but I do wander aimlessly on evenings staring at tea cups and odd ceilings and unable to disengage myself from constantly seeking what is out there.

Strange enough, I rarely, and very rarely write. It has become somewhat a difficult task for me.

Two years on, I have a feeling that people will continue to disintegrate from each other and move further and further away into the onslaught of life. I already feel it, but I never thought of myself to be this bad. In the face of adversity and a slow dragging future, how does one move forward?

Again, I do not know what I am saying.

 

 

Some days haunt me but I can never reach back to the past to make amends here and there. Life is not a game where you can just reload at a checkpoint and choose different outcomes. I forget this, always, but I must presevere. 

Anyway, I miss my friends. At some point they just seem to dwindle away, trying to avoid you. I realize I was never the warm fuzzy one with a handful smiles in my pocket or a ray of sunshine, but at least I feel like I am needed. As a friend, whatever that means. Is this because I got married? 

Secretly I suspect that everyone feels lonely and unable to reach out as much, with social andwork obligations crashing down too much on them. So I take solace in this presumption of mine, all the while missing everyone. 

Or maybe C’est la vie, right? 

Sometimes I think by marrying F I have indirectly silenced myself into saying anything. Not his fault, of course, but because anything I say out of line, out of his line of communication with me, gets questioned. 

I wonder if it possible to have another double self again. The person that lurks in the corner, that wishes to speak out all her laments and question concerning human understanding. I hate my intense self right now, too concerned on the pursuit of a ‘perfect’ career path. Germany first, of course. 

We had dinner, Fathi and I with Zikri. He asked me questions about the scholarship, hoping that he too, can get a shot at studying overseas. I told him applications for this year are all closed and he seem disheartened. I suppose all of us yearn to escape this country at some point, for wanting a better life. 

Where does our allegience lies to anyway? To god, to religion, not the land where we are born. Affiliated yes, but each of us must carve paths in our own way. 

I am tired of KL’s traffic, which is getting more absurd by the day. They should ban cars into the city, but we are all so dependent on these vehicles that do nothing but congest the road. 

So there it is : I’ve finally handed in my resignation letter after months of agonizing over the decision. The process feels much calmer the second time, and I managed to get through the discussion without crying. It feels liberating, having known that you’ve done the right choice, and knowing that things will be for the better for you in the future.

I received news of my scholarship to Germany last week, a month after the interview. They will sponsor my studies and I am due to start next January if all goes well. For this year then, things to look forward to:

1. Deeply immerse myself to be closer to Him
2. To become a better wife to F
3. Online courses – in preparation to learn news things
4. Travelling ideas – find sponsors to travel abroad for free while learning
5. Travelling locally – one island, one weekend getaway, a few hills to climb
6. Family – to become closer to my family and new family
7. Find short stint works or volunteering – in order to support myself.
8. Friends – to care for those we care the most and show it to them
9. To read and write and to find that creativity in myself again.
10. Write a novel, learn how to edit and design a book/magazine, finally?