Category: Uncategorized

eating the newly baked raya cookies, there we sat with our bellies full of mapotofu and stir fried green beans and kung pao chicken. i have succeeded in my kuih bangkit and semperit endeavors, and strive for something else. c praised this productivity phase of mine – calling me a great hostess. i say, i feel like mrs dalloway, who smiles at dinner parties and buys flowers and cakes but has actually resigned herself to her fate/role.

lately my weekends have been spent at n’s where it feels more like a refuge from the outside formal world and people and a chance to sink in and feel more like myself. i am finally comfortable and take comfort with my newly found acquaintances, to stay up until three or four in the morning, to laugh and talk about anything, and wake up and have breakfast together before we leave to our own affairs.

it was f’s birthday last week, and like the great hostess i was, i had enough energy and enthusiasm to surprise him with a gift he can never top – visit from friends. i am feeling quite pleased (or the lesser meaning of this word), that i managed to summon enough interest and friendship from our former university friends to come down to this town of ours, despite corona and the illegality of it all brooding over us. whether out of boredom, the promise of fun, friendship (to him or me, ist egal), or the prospect of mobility, they came nonetheless. i even bought these stupid lamps that you hang over, so in the mood i was.

and when all was over, the lights have gone out, the photos taken, the furniture in their own place, the dishes and bottles sorted out, and the gradual goodbyes over morning coffee and reflections – there is void and then silence. suddenly the distance multiplies and i am weary of everything and the world and this life.

lately i’ve been changing the google chromecast’s photo gallery to rotate the ones i used to have on facebook. images of the past resurface – people i have not seen for more than a decade, from high schools to colleges to university to my own family and the random outing with friends.

it is strange to glimpse the past before the age where every inch of your private life was online – ones from the short-lived handheld video of my father back in 2009 – my brothers – one on a summer break after his accident in cairo – another one about to depart to america, while searching for myself. was i ever a subject?

there is a certain charm of videos recordings – they are unadulterated, video wasn’t something you performed for, it is just life happening and the recorder is a mere spectator, or at least passive interviewer. emotions were more raw.

n comes around for dinner with sonia, and we talk of schooling and religious upbringings. it is indeed strange, this combination of the four of us, somewhat drifted away far from our countries all the way to germany talking about growing up with ideas of islam then slowly one by one renouncing faith or belief in its significance. she celebrates her passing as a doctor the day after, and we celebrate with ananas prosecco and ritz.

therapy session number #8. i notice myself to have more clarity, as i describe to andrea things that have happened in life in general. i am still not sure to this day, what is the end goal of these things, but i begin to appreciate her techniques of actually drawing out clear bubbles of thoughts and patterns, although i might not apply them myself. i appreciate mundanity, nodding to feelings of accomplishment and bravery, where i would’ve discarded myself to ‘it was nothing’ months ago. progress, perhaps? as long as the insurance pays.

my fight with f intensifies. with each spatula unwashed , each sigh dropped, and each growing silence, each closing of the door – i believe, and it is only me, that my patience has almost run out. or my ego has gotten the better of me. i have outgrown my former self to abandon the idea of self-annihilation, no, self-effacement after marriage. – and I have no face, I have wanted to efface myself. it is only j that sees through me and asks til when i will keep this facade.

 

walaupun dikekang oleh peraturan, saya tetap menemui rakan-rakan taktala kebosanan. kerana baru-baru ini, mungkin akibat ubatan atau ketibaan musim bunga/panas membuat saya (sedikit) riang dan tidak berasa kekok untuk menjemput orang ke rumah untuk bersosial.

bulan puasa tetap bulan puasa, dan puasa 18-19 jam bukanlah sesuatu yang menggentarkan seperti dahulu. malah, menunggu ketibaan waktu makan dan memikirkan apa yang patut dimasak merupakan sebuah nikmat yang tidak boleh digambarkan. cuma, terdapat cabaran tentang apa bahan-bahan mentah yang harus dibeli (perancangan peti sejuk masih merupakan mister buat saya), dan apa yang anda nak masak, tentunya semuanya tergantung kepada fiil dan ilham, bukan?

saya melatih semula bahasa indonesia dengan mas adam, yang kini bekerja bersama-sama kami. kebiasaannya jumaat pagi, dan kami cuba berbual terma-terma energi yang lazimnya dalam bahasa inggeris yang saya harus memikirkan persamaan bahasanya melayu/indonesianya. saya menikmati perkara ini.

saya bangun pagi dan masih memikirkan yang saya tidak suka dilihat / bergerak dan merasa dilihat. mungkin ini menyebabkan saya lebih aktif ketika F tiada di rumah, atau pada awal pagi ketika rumah ini saya boleh merasa keseorangan. pada masa yang sama, kehidupan kami semakin membumi, dengan kehadiran perkakasan elektrik baru dan pergaulannya dengan lingkaran sosial saya.

kadang-kadang, saya akan tergerak untuk membaca semula the unbearable lightness of being hanya untuk perenggan berikut:

“We all need someone to look at us. we can be divided into four categories according to the kind of look we wish to live under. the first category longs for the look of an infinite number of anonymous eyes, in other words, for the look of the public. the second category is made up of people who have a vital need to be looked at by many known eyes. they are the tireless hosts of cocktail parties and dinners. they are happier than the people in the first category, who, when they lose their public, have the feeling that the lights have gone out in the room of their lives. this happens to nearly all of them sooner or later. people in the second category, on the other hand, can always come up with the eyes they need. then there is the third category, the category of people who need to be constantly before the eyes of the person they love. their situation is as dangerous as the situation of people in the first category. one day the eyes of their beloved will close, and the room will go dark. and finally there is the fourth category, the rarest, the category of people who live in the imaginary eyes of those who are not present. they are the dreamers.”

 

• i am resurrecting the macbook, glancing at past conversations with E.
• finished binge-watching mr robot over the weekend. thank you quarantine, but i don’t want to go through this blackhole again.
• it was in this moment she realized that his best memories are those with her, and for her it was those without him.
• started reading benedict anderson.
• therapy sessions online. there are no longer boundaries between work, the private life, the married life, the other lives. all is blurred, and what is left is the small conversations between the lines.
• dread was what is felt, now it has begun to be complacent.
• the words, “i could’ve made it on my own” – his, not hers, on obtaining the green light of his certification back home, to be accepted, divorced from the past, solidified his desires wanting to be independent, apart from her. ok then.
• looking through old photos with n, of her life ‘back then’ in egypt, how strange and distant this one life from another.
• 6” inch round baking tray – the perfect size for making cake that’s not too much, pretty, and satisfying.
• strange how the narration of ones own life, of the same event, are vastly different from two different perspectives.
• time to read kundera again.

 

 

after a rather mild first half of february, with the joining up of a roommate for 10 days oder so (which is a long and interesting affair). we watch netflix, talk about the end of the world, i witness her neurotic and her frugality of the littlest amount of ingredients (which is very eco-conscious, when you think about it). sober and religious people joining for dinner for a vegan dinner dan vegan ice cream. solat subuhs, work at home sessions followed by zumbas and saunas and cake making and furniture assembling, mai is a domestic person in her element. a pretense, but will this last long?

she leaves, i play board games and invite people for dinner and bask in the darkness.

m** from m****, shouts person-dressed-like-an-alladin, after mistaking me for another. i shall not be offended.

f comes in the weekend with a truck load full of shit. i am greeted by an angry person who says i have not assembled enough people. we are six adults. even n came. the extension or introduction of him to the society, no less in a birthday party.

futon in the attic. my laziness grows exponentially.

walk by the rhine with y and the boyfriend. i can see the quiet calm chemistry they seem to have with each other. we have coffee and cake and borek and talk of everyday life – it is very boring and painful to hear men interact with each other in trying to find a common interest. f and his insistence on jojo the rabbit being an entertaining movie.

office party, to warm it all up. my former boss and colleagues in power rangers suit. watch all those people standing by themselves. das ist mein Geheimnis, weist du?

after a very halal dinner with j at the syrian place, prosecco in a beer mug. 2 am comes, viva kolonia. we took a bet, and he lost, naturally. as i leave, the doorman says i should not have entered. wie meinst du?

i smoke a thousand joints when with n, with bli bli as an unwanted sidekick and primark shopping bags, and frida shows up with her band of friends (bande à part) looking to “blaze” on the couch. the intrusion. the obvious words.

she goes home with her shopping bags, i continue the night. no reggaeton for you tonight, sorry. we arrive and wait for 30 mins before being let in, not before the person in front of us laid out her theory of artificial intelligence being dangerous to society and a tiger lady asking hast du feuer? i have not, sorry.

“ich liebe wie sie tänze”

 

 

an attempt to read poetry in the train, turned in vain – when all it is and it ever was was about motherhood and all its mishaps. there is no more distraction – only yourself. a mediation effort to slowly introduce yourself into the world of another. she makes dinner, and offers a lot more. but this is not why i am here. to kill time, to eat, to smoke, perhaps. they close all the lights open the large window stare into the air, or the sky. i am quite sleepy from everything, to be honest.

what’s important to note is this; the coming back of feelings, senses, of emotions, of tiredness, of things other than thoughts and noise of the mind, things other than sadness, but rather of surprise (of  a revelation), a good joke, or a good movie, or perhaps good food. i don’t know how to attribute this, improvements of the body, the mind, or is it plain marijuana?

it is quite alarming (envious, even) that some people can just shed their skin or they old self once somewhere new. but i always stick around, and maintain this same version of myself that is well…. forever guarding herself from not slipping any hint of ugliness (this not so really good version of me either). that you just go through a metamorphosis (cue Hillary Duff) into quite a different person from what you are (or what people know of you from before).

i think i am done maintaining a composure, or limiting my speech or thought, trying to stop (before myself), rehearse everything thirty times over in the head, trying to to take on what is the best aspect from everyone (to be thrifty, to solidify life in Europe, to be this person who goes to clubs or bars and drinks, to take on suggestion from others, to register at gym x, to be active and swimming and travelling, to have fun and karaoke their way while taking a selfie, to get worked up)

i am still unsure of the paths i have taken, to be honest, listening to people getting more and more solidified in their works or country, to take roots and to settle. i have fear when f says he doesn’t want to go back home, as if it is a distant past. here i am, wishing i am somewhere closer to home, attending the aqiqah of my 4th anak saudara (which i haven’t met). i always romantisize the past, as if it has brought nothing but happiness to me. (or pleasant memories). other people seem to move forward, or to look into the future and decide this is what they will do. to describe surgery as playing. to enjoy building slides.

i have always floated, determined to go wherever the world may bring me and perhaps give answers as to where i belong. but i realize this cannot work out in the long term, that one day my agony will catch up with my body and chain me to the ground. i have to face this eventually, or this is what i am doing now, perhaps. faced with nothing but the vast unknown future (no longer a flag or milestone to be conquered over), i am forced to finally make my own decisions that is not a nudge from another, nor a quest for a flight or the next big thing (laughably – should i be having a phd or a child?), as if it will solve anything. i have made marriage a decision that i should be done with years ago (and have), love and its mysteries be damned, and i thought i can speed my way through things, through life. it is easy enough to take day by day slowly, but to wish that you each the end point of life (i.e death), because, can’t you end it already? isn’t it enough that i want to stop at this point? have i not done what people have expected me to do (get swooping results, graduate, get a job, get married, et. cetera). while i expect no reward whatsoever, i expect peace. and contentment at the end of it all. it is cruel indeed, that life is a rigged game. you can’t just simply opt out it, delete yourself and restart again. you can’t kill yourself (because it’s cheating, plus it isn’t allowed), you can’t fast forward to it a point that you like or skip the messy bits to live through each night. you have to run its course, be patient and present and like how certain people say, try to stay afloat with whoever and wherever you are.

was a nightmare i have. i wonder if this was told over a conversation with someone this would translate into something. day 2 of medication, and fears if this is enough. need to text the dr. to re-up otherwise i will have nothing in 3 weeks time. general mood: i am no longer feverish, can exchange pleasantries with the landlord, colleague, yet will not stay for sustained conversation. outbursts of ugly crying at night. i do not have enough sleep (how can one sleep after having a massive headache?). i will try to be present at work.  i will move and perhaps sleep on the floor and that is ok. weather will get better, people are here (whether or not i like it) and things will be ok.

i give up on being tough. i might not be able to talk to everyone about my problems but that’s ok, nobody needs to know what a crying wreck i am, but its okay. everything fine. i will a pay hundreds for therapy and that’s fine as well.

the triggering of e. wurtzel’s death, while distant a character these days since i gave away her book already to someone else, still, devastating to read the new york article. i recover from my flu, zombie as a i am, pick up things on the floor for when visitors come over to visit the apartment when i move out, walk through the day, manage to sit down at starbucks to sip down the absolute worst vanilla latte in my life (5 euros, mind you), write the absolute most that i have in 1 year on a small yellow moleskine that F split with me when we went to a bookshop.

sometimes i dont want to think about anyone but everyone seems to keep returning nothing but love to me, even when i treat them like shit, ignore all the hellos because i cant bear any conversation or worry that some negativity from me might stick or be inflicted upon them. mostly because i do want to be left alone, not to on anyone’s mind (oh, look at her, how very miserable), believing at the end of the day, tomorrow or a week later, i can get better, but just not now, so please stop talking or expect anything from. i cannot give. only later i do crawl up in my blanket wondering why my headaches wont go away and all these feelings wont just shut themselves up.

but i am off to cologne. a.d.i.e.u

 

as is with the beginning of each year, it is enough to be thankful of the past, of the growth that has happened, to write down every single anxiety and to just begin instead of linger (and this has lately become a habit of mine) in uncertainty, worry and sadness.

it begins with honesty, first and foremost. i shall be direct. i shall lay bare. i shall be vulnerable.

1. this year i have been good. the desire of another, while exists in pockets of moments, in form of sleepovers and random texts with strangers, have not transpired into something worse. while there is enough to arouse curiosity, i am mostly done with all of this.
2. new beginnings, in the form of a new city, a new apartment and new adventures. while all excitement has died down and the winter is as it ever was, with its 4pm night-time and 8.30am daylight always depresses me for some odd reason.
3. to acknowledge that i have, beside me a good partner in life, who is always there to support me, and will be the only one for me to regulate my moods regardless of his temper tantrums
4. to be grateful over the fact that i have travelled far more than what i desire to (and to be thankful of it) that to finally be over a fatigue and confusion of not staying in a particular place. namely Budapest, Copenhagen, Berlin, Frankfurt, KL, Morocco, Luxemborg, Abu Dhabi, London.

2020:

to feel calmer. to pray more, to feel more. to not buy a tv or a couch but to resist clutter (and anything that makes me unhappy). to read more books. to learn new languages and to be happy over the simplest things. to not wait for sunrise in order to do anything. to not wait for f (to sleep, to disappear from my mind) in order to initiate anything. to get treated for depression. to work, but to work calmly. to treat friendships calmly. to create. to write. to paint, to decorate, to fill things that make me happy. to be unafraid of criticism, of opinions, of speaking. to refrain from useless thoughts. (fitter, happier, more productive)? to assign more responsibility to myself. to celebrate the smallness of things, and the littlest of things. to be not afraid to be listened. to not stuff myself with useless information. to not “wonder” of alternative possibilities, be it the kemaman dreams or to jump into the rhine or for the world to end quickly within the next few days or weeks or months, because it is a sight far away. to live in the present and not be tied by ties of the past nor of the future. only perhaps, impending death.

(i’ve recently discovered that joy division is actually good)

i’ve taken my small little crushes in strides these days. a small restraint, but sometimes i say stupid things anyway that ends up being ignored, making me embaressed by each gesture. the key is not to overdo yourself.

jogging, trying to believe myself to be good and not depressed. then running over the bridge. pizza. conversation about work. tired. come on i am more depressed than iu are. ai av no kitchen. whiskey. tell me a secret you would never tell anyone. past, current and future girlfriends. or two current ones? what do i do. i like you too but i don’t want to fall in love you with. i give myself too much. you have principles. second round. that’s fine. who is she, why? what is lie and what is truth? i will never figure you out. that’s the point. you know too much. you don’t keep secrets that well. there are facts and then there are secrets. i keep secrets, but facts are nothing to me. do you have talisker(talisman?) skye. ney aber we haben ein andere, auch gut. ok dann zweimal. should we go to them? nah they are boring? let’s go have tea at my place. uk girls show up. elections. why don’t you join us? i don’t like iu guys. no jk. german conversations. double, triple hugs in crowded places. bye bye. tea? he calls one of the girlfriends, i fold my laundry and read gai eaton. according to him, i will never feel happy here. art (in islam) was only good when there was faith – a sense of infiniteness – everything else is meaningless. we dont distinguish Shakespeare and… Kafka or i don’t know, Crazy Rich Asians. european architecture is isoloting, godlessness reigns, logic takes places in squares and boxes and natural selection – the human spirit –  then automation. there is value in slowness, there is prayer and remembrance in the art of handmade craft – now everything is plastic, instant – people have no wonder. buenos noches. feets and shoulders. i am not afraid of staring at you. why do you think i am smart? because you can read meanings behind every word. not everyone can do that. yes. we are equal. coding, texting the girl in london. she’s jealous of us, you know. i don’t think so. five minutes of silence and sleep. why is your stomach grumbling. that’s my art, it’s too fast – i am stressed. or you can sleep on the couch. no, office, tomorrow. ok. ok. ciao. hug and two kisses, i at the door.

in another world then.

di balik kata-kata dan peristiwa-peristiwa samar yang diceritakan di sini, aku juga membaca secara berkala. disebabkan takde orang di sekeliling yang boleh aku sembang tentang buku – kecuali mungkin seorang sahaja, tis a bit boring.

1. the structure of scientific revolutions, t. kuhn

buku ini dicadangkan oleh Sarah, salah seorang pensyarah sewaktu di Budapest dulu, yang juga telah mencadangkan 10 buku lain. tapi sebagai asas untuk memahami sains (dan sejarah sains), ia menarik untuk dibaca. apparently (nampaknya?), perkataan anjakan paradigma datangnya dari kuhn, tapi mungkin telah banyak disalahgunakan oleh penulis karangan spm. pokoknya (as I understood it), aliran sains banyak memadamkan hal-hal yang lalu, sehinggakan kita melihat sains itu hanyalah kejayaan penemuan demi penemuan, dan mengabaikan proses penemuan (dan kegagalan itu sendiri). sebuah anjakan paradigma, melupakan sejarah mereka-mereka yang gagal (dan salah), contohnya siapa sebelum Newton atau Edison? Adakah mereka satu-satunya bapa graviti/elektrik, sehingga tiada yang telah cuba merungkaikan sifat dan perilaku sesebuah fenomena sebelum ini (bahkan dari zaman Yunani lagi?). dan lainnya, sesebuah disiplin, atau hukum sains mungkin hanya bertitik tolak daripada ‘anjakan paradigma’ ini menjadi ‘mainstream’ atau kebenaran yang tidak disangkal, sehingga penemuan atau teori alternatif yang tidak bersangkut paut tidak diterima sebagai sebahagian daripada disiplin tersebut, atau mesti berkait (derived) daripada pandangan mainstream.

anyway, i haven’t finished.

2. indonesia di mata v. s. naipaul

sebuah catatan tentang indonesia, yang diambil daripada buku naipaul tentang perjalanannya di negara-negara muslim di asia pada 1980/81. adalah menarik untuk membaca bahawa dia pernah bertandang di pejabat abim (di bandar baru bangi), di waktu kemuncaknya (aku membayangkan ayahku yang merupakan pelajar UKM dengan semangatnya membeli buku-buku revolusi islam – Shariati etc di markas ABIM). Di Indonesia, ada semacam bentuk romantisisme untuk membaca dia menulis landskap Jakarta/Jogja 40 tahun dahulu, dari lobi Hotel Borobodur, udara Jakarta yang sesak (yang baru 5 juta penduduk), bertemu sitor dan sosok isteri mudanya dan melawat pesantren-pesantren di desa. Naipaul kesimpulan yang menarik ini – bahawa islam telah datang ke indonesia untuk saling melengkapi agama-agama lain (hindu / buddha) yang telah lama bersemadi dalam jiwa seorang jawa (lel) yang hidup penuh ritual dan mendalami alam sekelilingnya. ada yang tidak difahaminya ketika melawat pesantren, kenapa kanak-kanak bekerja membuat perabot (bukankah itu kerja percuma/child labour?), kenapa gurunya dibayar sedikit etc. aku kira, ini mungkin masih sebuah elemen ehsan/ikhlas yang dimiliki orang jawa/melayu (atau orang kampung), yang tidak mengukur segalanya dengan wang, produksi/kerja, pengetahuan – bahawa setiap kerja & imbalan mesti nyata dan jelas di dunia moden. dan orang sebeginilah yang paling akan terkebelakang – mereka yang tidak meletakkan nilai wang pada masa & kerja sendiri (yang dimanipulasi orang atas akhirnya). but that is for another time.