Category: Uncategorized

free and easy wandering

It’s not like I refuse to talk to you, it’s that whenever I do, there’s always something sneaky about it. I know that you are one hell of a friend and all, being absolutely loyal and faithful and generous with everything, I’m thoroughly indebted, but the my problem, with you, and for that matter with everyone else, is that I cannot get emotionally invested.

Once you cross that line buddy, once you start demanding all sorts of stuff, and talk of what you deserve, or require of me to respond to all your grand confessions whose centerpiece is none other that yours truly, I will break off.

I sound selfish for giving you great injustice, but if one laments silently, where will all this bring? It’s not that I don’t care, but the very fact is that I don’t know how to care. I don’t know how much caring people needed, what words of consolation to bring, what gestures and speeches to present, or whether you need gifts to prove anything, or whether it is ever important to have a token to remember something/someone by. I can only march, for I am always a Franz.

If naught is to be heard, ever again, then we always wish him well and dare not to disturb his endeavours, however horrendous or heavenly they may be. From afar, from afar.

You will grow out of this soon, it only depends on how much are you willing to reach out, and pave way to more interesting things that are more responsive than I am.

In the end, I am always kind to those I don’t know well. At least I try to be so. And one at a time, because I get exhausted all too often.

And my time is always limited, and I don’t want to dwell on this no longer.

Whatever happened, happened. And whatever happens, happens.

stifling betul ya kamu

(untuk s)

kalau kau asyik mengiyakan apa sahaja yang dikata, masakan perbualan kita akan berkembang ke mana mana. hanya duduk meringkuk berpaksikan kisah kisah lama.

atau,

mungkin aku yang patut memulakan pertanyaan pertanyaan untuk mematahkan, apa yang kau begitu selama ini pertahankan. kamu yang berpendiriran diam tapi sentiasa merewang rewang ini, bagaikan makhluk yang elusive buat aku.

kadang buat aku takut untuk menganggu.

tahun ini

The Year 2011 in Lists.

(atau, benda benda yang aku suka pada tahun ini)
in no particular order.

buku. 


1. Walden, Henry David Thoreau.
2. Letters to a Young Poet, Rainer Maria Rilke.
3. Talks to Teachers on Psychology and to Students on Some of Life’s Ideals, William James.
4. You Alone are Real to Me, Lou Andre Salome.
5. The Sorrows of a Young Werther, Goethe.
6. Modern Man in Search of a Soul, C.G. Jung.
7. Ariel, Sylvia Plath.

filem.


1. My Dinner with Andre, Louis Malle,1981
2. Kami, Patrick Yeoh, 1982
3. The Colour of Paradise, Majid Majidi, 1999
4. Somewhere, Sofia Coppola, 2010
5. Midnight in Paris, Woody Allen, 2011
6. Oceans, Jacques Perrin, 2009
7. Sang Pemimpi, Riri Riza, 2009
8. In the Mood for Love, Wong Kar-wai, 2000

musik.


1. The First Days of Spring, Noah and The Whale.

2. A Creature I Don’t Know, Laura Marling. 
3. Soundtrack The Darjeeling Limited terutamanya lagu ini. 
4. Submarine, Alex Turner. perfect untuk berbasikal di pagi hari. atau berjalan jalan di South Bank pada malam hari.
5. Ride into The Sun, The Velvet Underground.
6. Wolfang Amadeus, Phoenix. 

an epileptic death

yesterday he was found dead
blue
by the mother in his gloomy
room

donned wrapped up not to enter twenty
twelve
but to p twenty a graveyard in an urbane
hell

a burning summer’s heat at three in late
nineties
and afterwards, a lifetime full of
ills

and so the crying and moaning
began
and so the sorrow of their parents
commenced

()()()()()()()()()()()()()
hmph.

mutter

she tells me when she closes her eyes all she sees is oceans waterfalls floods mountains earthquakes fires. distorted madness. she doesn’t sleep. her body does not allow it. there’s poison inside of me, she says. if i move a little i might break. i ask her if she’s hallucinating she says no but it all feels awfully real. i tell her, go get herself some sleeping pills she says no that’s not really gonna help. read some books then, i suggested, she says the pain is too unbearable i cannot do anything but lie down and breath and stare at the ceiling and bear it all myself.

all you wanted

the reproaching brother,
he questions my motive,
he doesn’t want to bother,
he knows this to be untrue of me.
ignorance is he.
resuming to his circling wraiths of continuity.
how boring.

a cat dead, and fleeting friends,
they all gather round the english counter,
exchanging stories of babysitting and travelling
while i glare at this extravagant lavishing disturbing enclove

why not why not
she asks
as if you are better than they
i say
they are too courteous for me,
too refined in their womanly glee
and too proud too stoop down like me

nay i am lower than they
i care not for clothes and matching furniture
nor plates or pleats
not books not films
or even art that they exclaim
hanging at walls posting your
self portraits of austrian
origin.

i have what i want
and what i want now is nothing
only time commands me now
as i lay, awake, in hiding,
plotting, paving my way to dying

but that is too much to ask for,
so here i wait
waiting.