books


it so appears that a certain mister n has got his poems published on the university quarterly magazine and while it does play on the three most famous elements in this meager town i take it that i cannot for the life of me, understand anything inspired from places or events. like whitman and all that. everything just bursts with optimism and beauty of the surrounds devoid of any personal stuff. yes, i cannot digest anything except confessional poetry (or so it seems). meh. give me plath any day, not mekong rivers but life’s decay.
so it seems the only thing equivalent of ‘i am the soul in limbo’ (why does anyone not read nadja?), that i have produced or said, so far at this particular point in time, is, the lame ‘i have no self’. boohoo. 
hesse, it seems to me, aims different things with each of his novel. while all somewhat tackles the problem of life and its meaning, each has a different angle or things or rather, philosophies. 
-siddartha dwells on buddhism and rivers and lettings things go and be rid of the world.
-demian was about trying to discover the self in mythologies and animus/anima, the conscious/subconscious within an individual that finally gives rise to an understanding of the self and henceforth – meaning and aim. jung stuff. all psychological blabber, the thing. 
-steppenwolf, the one i am reading, somewhat deals with the sickness of the soul, the divided self, torn between the animal and the divine in man (and further, more multiplicities of the soul, but essentially these two), and how these highly developed man (the steppenwolves, or one conscious of these divides), are unfit for the world. and that happiness on earth (no matter how much high the peak of happiness you might attain) can only last temporarily (and thus plunges you to even more despair because you know nothing lasts), and thus that is why you must aim for the eternal, (therefore the yearning towards death, or to die at the right time – ugh nietzsche – at the absolute moment of joy), and so life after death must exist to explain all the irrational. and the usual philistine vs the refined aesthete boring babble. the only part i hate is the treatise because it says too much that amounts to the same thing; the battle of the lower senses and the higher senses. this somewhat reminds me of alghazali of course, so i got bored. adler is right. 
ateis, some indonesian book. hm, not sure what to comment on the content itself, same old arguments on god’s existence, but ah, i understand the anguish of the father. maybe one has to delve in sin first in order to achieve saintliness. 
goodbye. 

A. will be married to F. in the end.

boohoo.

engagement ring.
side wings.
summer flings.
guitar picks.
arcade ticks.
wayang kulits.
bird cages.
burnt plates.
crack track
the metal tacks.
strewn about the lawn.
she bawls.
how grand her fall.

i am never going to write that novel.

tick him off, and move on to someone else. we carry on, intermittently, without haste, and salvage every piece of our hearts scattered and throw them to…..

to no one.

idiot

if this was an array of arrays

stacked between the multitude
of our occasional salient plays
then allow me to muse about
you the accuser the grand arbiter 
steering dialogues, stocking books
bending towards the mustard flock
the unlucky stock of caved in men
singing ethos in musty dens
because
i am a mere pretender
a chameleon of the highest order
i know nothing but the fringes of your soul

things

  • trim the hair to make it look more presentable to the self. no need. it looks good as it is. 
  • try to ride the bicycle to the beach then up to bellambi? done
  • start dead souls  on the intro
  • make breadstick failed to taste good
  • bake cheesecake later tonight
  • newcastle? no point
  • la kemba?
  • watch at least one abbas k. movie. even though all the characters aren’t that (physically) appealing (but so is life) done with the wind will carry us. thought of it… sublime. iran is beautiful, and if i was (can be) a filmmaker, i’d try to capture long shots/expressions/noise/ambient as much as possible. atmosphere, setting that gives rise to mood and then minimalistic dialogue. it is the visual experience, coupled with the words words that creates moments of nuance. (um, this remains a dream…. soon). make everything orchestral. subtle and minimal
  • laugh at sylvia. kill her off.  slowly
  • study for tests haven’t aced, but alright
  • lab report.  progressing
  • lab questions. start pasting questions so you won’t get lagged behind be the enormity of life.
  • be as passive as possible to the world.
  • frequent the secondhand bookstore to see if they have any murakami in store.  nope
  • try to read another chapter of 1q84 jap lagi
  • try to love life
  • try to love god or be more mindful of him
  • buy cough syrup. 
  • contemplate whether or not to read henri bergson heidegger first. wait for winter
  • start writing resume
  • book tickets to melbourne not going
  • find work or try that paper factory in newtown ask around if there’s anything to help with.
  • find someone to watch stop the virgens with
  • vivid sydney
  • find someone to marry with (haaaaa)  no need. 
  • don’t be depressed
  • call mother
  • puasa
  • khatam quran before start of ramadan (start now)
  • purge music from your ears
  • stop using hot water that much.
  • stop gobbling things into your mouth.
  • stop cursing (even discretely)
  • learn how to iceskate
  • find rollerblades
  • resume learning french
  • german!
  • stop hating people
  • stop writing things like this
  • stop thinking about possibilities that have already passed
  • in other words, stop ruminating
  • simplicity. stop buying things
  • yogurt is king
  • burgers are boring
  • start studying for exams
  • count days till everything is over
  • one thing after another
  • stone and dethroned is the best album from jesus and mary chain and needs to played every evening
  • stop releasing thoughts to people. no one cares more about you than you yourself
  • psychiatry is bullshit. psychology is interesting but only in so far as it relates to other people.
  • it is other people that make any experience interesting. 
  • there is no joy in being alone.
  • read more about towns. and sociology. anthropology.
  • dream about living in copenhagen. 
  • but kuala lumpur eventually is the ideal. 
  • go home. 
  • convince yourself you deserve to be happy.

rilk

i am to give you up entirely
and head over to my only
source of hope

who else reads the prolegomena?
the others the only show that they do
shout spout mouthful of
regurgitating fools,

i gloat while i float
he blooms while he grooms

at the cafe
after our morning ritual of
oversized donuts and simmered down tea
we spoke of the elusive country
and the beheading of our sons to be.

rendra?
suspend him
his ghost lingers in the air
the great seer
in us he sees nothing
but the discards of a
tortured soul

the reading list

so this is it;
a minimum of three fiction a month.
next would be;

1. Norwegian Wood Volume 2 (Murakami)
2. Steppenwolf (Herman Hesse)
3. Dead Souls (Nikolai Gogol)

no more. that seems universal enough. we don’t really need to read murakami, it’s just merely a matter of finishing him off (so as to tick him off the list). kundera can wait. (hei dah berkurun dah buku Immortality tu). things like Plath or Pessoa can wait until i really am in the mood to brood. (so it resonates or whatever). Fragments are best to be read, in fragments.

no more borrowing from the library, either.

and then just short articles, or lectures by people, i suppose. (i don’t have much time).

1. Self Reliance (Emerson)
2. whatever scrap of Shariati I haven’t read

Try to finish Man and Nature, Hussein Nasr. Can’t seem to engage me well enough, that book. (Is it boring? I don’t know.)

read and understand the tafsir (first by Qutb, but i think i shall venture out to see what Asad has to says, then Lings or Yusuf Ali)/

then we can proceed to, Ilmu Syaraf untuk Pemula, once i have gained more grasp/understanding (or vocabulary) of the language.

i need a good notebook to write it all down.

the green one is missing.

ambitious, eh?

it’s like the heart of a heartless flower

sore throat
midnight gloat
winter coat
chocolate mud-cake
and a peach pud-ding.

he remains aloof.
see him go, poof.
nothing to be seen.
nothing to be seen

this scene is bloodless.
heartless.
emotionless.
nothing is brought
in between

i am to
give you up
entirely.
boring,
all of this.
we lament,
on everything.

almost every waking day.
we peer through,
to see,
 if he was preparing,
for a grand showdown.

it never comes,
it never will.

how much deeper must we scalp, into his faculties,
how much further must we lose ourselves, into his being.
how much longer must i dance before you, i am tired.

i give up.

as she dutifully narrates her sister’s account

on life in mrsm. i suppose in a way we were lucky to have gone to the one in kota bharu first and formost because of its close proximity to the city, to the airport, to everything where there is life. second, owing to it’s age, it had no necessary reason to uphold whatever new tradition nor rules nor the need to be strictly strict. i suppose it depends. i got a pelepasan to not to go to prep class anyway, i had to on my own for the most part of time in order to live. food was great, it was teo great years of music, you had band sessions or art classes or a stroll around the city if you feel like it hitchhiking wasnt that scary you could normally just tap someone’s car by ghe side of the road and ask for a ride somewhere shops were generous food was generous the cafe near mydin was a great place to eat shophouses abs lofts were around obscure shops in some old abandoned streets still had their own attractions the language was mesmerising the people were cool the mall itself is boring but at least you could count on some guy or another to belanja some sarsi or pizza or icecream or whatever. what about the school i dont know never felt ethusiastic about it you could skip classes for days to doze off alone in your corner or watch the burning porch or see some movie watch her cry beside you play guitar in s s room or watch persepolis or no country for old men during weekends and then proceed to talk endlessly to m about his boring life pr teach j english in his desperate attempt to coax you to love him lol. or to spend the night in a room allegedly where the cleaner decided to hang herself over the betrayal of a lover and then the philosophers room where you could hear him talk talk talk endlessly about ideas islam life land business and career and the his thesis. lawyers who make it a point to say he hates accounting while giving a proceedig to us little shitheads clueless under the clueless whos now married i wonder who. anais nin? perverse teacher, delta of felda in the delta of nowhere i am not to recount you any longer goodbye