Category: Uncategorized
Lockdown
Done with Shariati. What a treat .
Explained about this to A, but she in her usual hard headed ness and narrowness (in receiving contradicting views), shoots me down, no, dismisses me, thoroughly. Reading Fatima is Fatima does enlighten me a bit on the split of Sunni and Syiah. Because firstly, I am an ignorant ass who doesn’t read The Secret Nectar but would rather read Kierkegaard’s Fear and Trembling. Because I, in my pursuit for the Grand Idea, would search things outside my perimeter than things I grow up with. Tapi macam itik(?) pulang ke gagang, we eventually return to our primal sources. The quran. Tapi what does really bother me is how syiah becomes what what it is now. Must ask the first brother, because he lives in Egypt, where the two is apparent. Apparently this divide is more than just a matter of belief. Pride? Anyway, A have just read The Kite’s Runner so she would be a bit confused with all this divide. Wars. Syria. Afghanistan. Met an Afgan man explaining the current situation there to me a while back. Then there’s that Hari Asyura where they deliberately hurt themselves out of remembrance for all the suffering Ali and family had.
This brings the questions, are they blowing things out of proportion here? Did his family really felt, wronged? Is is true that Ali should succeed Rasulallah, or people are just reading things they want to hear. Did Fatima really die, bitter and contempt with Abu Bakar and Umar? Was Ali so sad he went quiet for 25 years? Why does Malaysia haramkan syiah ni? And Faisal Tehrani? Why fear him? Can’t both co exist (peacefully) at the same time? Which one is true?
But questioning which is essentially meaningless here. All lead towards the One. It is written somewhere in the book that Shiism is the most traditional sect of all, and if there is a divide of Syariah and Sufism in Sunni, then Shiism is the meeting of those two.
But Fatima, the way she was depicted here in this book, is wonderful. She is the ideal woman, better than any Natasya.
Dostoevsky painted the characters of The Idiot according to biblical fashion, and Natasya is supposed to be the virgin Mary (eh ye ke? Tak pasti.)
This all means I need to read more. Tanya ayah during the weekend la.
as it seems to be the case
dead is the heart that
you trampled on
dead are the eyes that
you blackened blue
i am the soul exiled
i am the woman abandoned
i am the one ousted
i was nothing in your eyes
inconsequential
sometimes i think the vast majority of things written here, are essentially, inconsequential.
is there a goal to writing?
to stir one’s soul?
bila baca all those indonesia sufistic/transcendentalist (some pedantic people like to differ those two, but the elements remain the same; elevation of the soul/being), rasa macam gila cool tu.
sastra profetik, kata pak kunto. haha.
but to pull all that off without maiming the reader with your views or facts or opinions or stupid introduction on things that are universally known. ah, how.
to give voice to the universal silence.
but, here we write just to jot down the thoughts we choose to write about.
even writing is selective.
we write when we are feeling absolutely blue, sedangkan ada je saat saat yang menggembirakan.
and vice versa.
so you come across in your writings as the ultimate brooder.
but in person, otherwise.
expectation vs reality.
poets writers aren’t all enigmatic or as appealing as they come across in their books.
boohoo.
shattering illusions.
a plateau of imagination.
things are better of unknown and unseen.
beauty isn’t in the eye of the beholder.
beauty is in the mind of the beholder.
beauty is what remains veiled, but exposed enough to be noticed.
it attracts, but does not want to attach, not just yet.
perhaps they are grooming themselves.
he grooms while he blooms
now he is the flower of evil itself
that wretched rouge
a servant to prolonged boredom.
i weep for you, dear.
soar or sink
i am too weak to continue living like this.
they say you must be brimming with positivity at all times.
but i keep forgetting. lingering my mind with images that do not concern me.
i am far removed from the present
i think my head swims somewhere else.
i am delusional.
i am not grounded.
of course, when you compare this with all those case studies in R.D Laing’s book “The Divided Self”, i am far better. to not put yourself at the lowest of the low. or to rise above. to stay mediocre. and i am even failing at being normal. i cannot hang in the middle between two extremes.
i must choose.
god alone knows
god alone knows
what resides in my heart
every sadness
every dark matter
every error
every fleeting thought
every worship abandoned
every broken vows
every hurtful words
every opportunity lost
every second wasted
every hanging regret
all that i want to toss
into the flames
but let not that
include myself.
notes on schopenhauer
sebab saya poyo. there is no other reason to this. have been hearing his name for quite some time (kierkegaard mentioned him frequently in his books), then i chanced upon my favourite internet forum and saw their brief adoration upon the philosopher and then one night i’m browsing through my nook, looking for something to read other than fiction (or william james), fell upon r.d laing’s the divided self which is actually a case study (of sorts) on schizophrenia (something i have been finding awfully boring and commonplace nowadays due to some… writer), which is all sort of fun, reading all the declarative sentences like ‘she is the occidental sun’, but i’m getting all bored with madness and suicide and depression. (jadi tak perlu baca that ‘Suicide’ book by some Eduard). they all revolve around the same thing anyway; emptiness and absence of hope that leads to despair after being disillusioned by the world, that, in search of meaning, (where they never stretched far), they find no meaning and go sartre themselves. and then that life is absurd.
we all ought to lighten up, dears.
so schopenhauer. schopenhauer (now i have to get used to spelling his name, ugh) advocates a certain kind of dilettantism that is shun by the masses. it is the gathering of thoughts. one cannot simply be specializing in one thing, can they? it is as if they have chosen to pick one and ignore the rest, shut off from the external world. it is, in his words, one holed up in their own room oblivious by the happenings of the outside world. of course, i think this refers to the academia (where, one is forced, to pursue/push things further beyond the interest or betterment of normal human beings). but what did made me sort of happy, is, that the dilettante who frankly absorbs everything, shall have a broader outlook on life, because he participates in everything, and sees connections, and can make formulations on his own. because thinking, or creation, can only be stimulated by observing the world at first hand. of course, viewed in terms of Jung’s Functions, this is a kind of Introverted Thinking, where analysis is prime. of course this all ought to translate to something in the end, one cannot be the jack (jill?) of all trades for the rest of their lives, we ought all be polymaths.
allow me to jump further and call these dabblers, intellectuals, as defined by Hussein Al-Attas, in his book Intelektual untuk Masyarakat Membangun (a good book, but dated). but i am so lazy at explaining things, and re-opening of books. but he gives the distinction between professionals and intellectuals. Professionals can be found anywhere, they serve a purpose of lending their skills and knowledge in order to execute something; a function, an event. they are mere jumping stones, a limb. Intellectuals on the other hand, (he lists down all sorts of criteria), takes pleasure(interest) in all sorts of things, recognizes the problems in his society, and thus tries to undergo a task (or formulation) of exalting the people, propel them into progress (towards the ideal). they are not arbiters (or politician) that lead at the front line, they are like an emanating presence that continue to guide the masses. the philosophers. Do you call them Rausyanfikir over here? haha. macam dalam Shariati punya Where Shall We Begin. ugh, i read too much of the same things. or am i an idiot to not see the distinctions between all these? no matter.
but i am none of these.. yet. i shall assume the title pretentious for the time being. heh.
back to schopenhauer.
he detests some type of reading, and says reading is for those who have no thought for themselves. reading other people’s works is feeding their mind into yours, so you shall be rendered incapable of any thought of your own. “Man of thinking” and “Man of learning”. ok, sama je macam di atas, bukan? people who write books in order to spread truth (their laboured, personal truth) are bound to be more immortal than those who write merely to improve on things, comparing this and that, without any thought of their own.
Dia juga kutuk mereka yang tertarik kepada Goethe as a person, not someone who wrote Faust.
among other things. certainly gives me perspective to actually begin on writing anything.
clap your hands say nay
taking a break from studying. for a while. to be on twitter might be fun, for a while, and why it works for so many people such that people writing on blogger are on the decline (ayat cam keling), what i mean is, the reason why people use twitter much more than blogger to disseminate thoughts, is that it offers instant gratification. people can reply instantly, and you’ll be much more exhilarated to use it to communicate etc. on the other hand, there is a lost of quality. (quality tweets?), or verbosity. as in, since characters are limited you’d have to carefully craft/trim your words as to make it concise and direct as possible. that is, if you choose to practise it that way…. twitter ain’t poetry. heh. they are forgotten easily. i’d like to preserve my thoughts, not my conversations. or thoughts about conversations. in my own space. and then you scroll, scroll endlessly and you might press the ‘add to favourite’ button accidentally on random conversations that has nothing to do with you (faaaar removed) and then curse yourself to no end…. what stupidity.
i want to watch ingmar bergman’s wild strawberries. borrowed the dvd, it’s just waiting to be played on the tv. YET since i excellently re-positioned the sofa and table and tv such that they are all in proximity to the heater (yes people it is winter), the housemates decided to camp there ALL day. first day i was around, putting on the seventh seal, but then came a person or two that lodged themselves permanently on the carpet near the heater bringing in tables and sleeping bags there. i have issues with space, and the conquering of one, and foreign movements. or sound of movements. my ears must be so accustomed to silence i cannot tolerate non-silence, especially when i desire it so. privacy issues. so i retreat in my room, facing the window, listening to the sound of stillness of my own silence and study and write and read a bit when i am bored….
i must acquire the habit of having a proper diary soon. reading rilke’s “diary of a young poet”, partly because i was bored studying at the library, decided to drop by to german lit shelf, and pick pick pick. the florence diary deals with art. greek art. skipped most of it (and probably the rest of it), and reading the interesting ones. like his ode to salome. isn’t blogger like that? you read the first few sentences and decide to dismiss it and move on move on intermittently to someone else…..
i wonder if that is also the case when you compile twenty people in one book, and the reader just picks the ones he wants to read, because you write boring things. published, but not read. what a tragedy.
none shall find me interesting. 😦
this tears me up

free flow
i’m thinking of going out for a ride for a bit in a moment’s time. let’s write first. first off, i shouldn’t let stupid things delude me. they are a hindrance. (ha). i think i have been exceedingly calmer that i thought i could be. i deserve a smiley :). ha. i am no longer angry with anyone i think. i wish everyone the best possible happiness. everything is in the best of all possible worlds. after seeing some of my friends (uhuh) getting engaged and then, soon, married, i think i shall naturally go down the same path as well. sooner than i expect, perhaps. triple wedding. ha. i am done preouccupying myself with unimportant (as of now) thoughts. right now i am to fill my head with equations and numbers and formulaes and signals and systems and controls and codes and programming and commands and operators and fractions and words words words.
i shall take a light elective next semester. need to balance out all the math.
listening to florence and the machine’s lungs. wonderful hair. next aspiration, perhaps? rgiht now i am sporting a straight cut. macam dalam n.wood, midori. let us not stand on fringes anymore. clear cut, everything. cut out, cut off, every single thought. ah, if there is a word to describe it… or a sentence or a paragraph that can capture, encapsulate how i feel about this it is..
it is a sort of disappointment at the rather poor choice you’ve made. not anger. there is no use in anger. it is same devices, same techniques. same words. i thought you are better than this. to think you have stooped so low. how typical. have fun mingling boredom with boredom and err err err forever. i have no use for you any longer.
damn, aku patut dengar gotye.