Author: perkaraperkara

1, or 2 months later, I try to recount what has occurred over the past few weeks. Trips taken, walking in Amsterdam with F, visiting Anne Frank’s house and gaping into the horror of Holocaust, Salvatore dan espressso-nya setiap hari di Brussels, London with its many restaurants and coldness, and trying to come into terms of Life Ahead.

the weeks that follow; F’s many interviews, gaming in front of the TV, walks at the harbour, lunches with friend, German classes (a language I have learned to fear), birthday surprises. I’ve almost begun to not care about travelling, having grown inward into myself. Cities bore me, and I feel no relation to venture out from this small town, where everything is within proximity, living in a street that has known history for the past 800 years, glancing down once in a while with my beverage of choice, yearning for a life different, but how and why I know not.

F started working this week, now in Finland. He will travel across Europe more than I do, and this I am okay with. Such has been the life for him the past 8 months, and now that things are finally looking up, I am happy for him. And I, prepare for next year, for more subjects, for more group works I am not comfortable with, a graduation speech this Friday, and Loq’s prodding to write for Neon Berapi. tempat tempat pernah berjalan, katanya.

We’ll see.

a week has passed, and all this while i have been working really hard amidst all the Classmate Drama, but i emerge on Sunday, chilled still. there is nothing to say, nothing to report, nothing to write really.

a sombre prayer at the mosque, yours truly as the only female there, then a gift of naan bread, a thirty minute walk and a small celebration with the classmates with pulut kuning and rendang and old spanish songs. a call to home but nothing else, i am full of longing but i am okay.

a week full of meetings, eight to eight, then night comes and sleep comes and some days i talk to E or Nata, i visit people in dorms, laugh and chill and argue and plan for the summer. love is not what i feel these days, more of a sombre sort of affection, and i accept these new feelings. otherwise, f is here.

 

 

 

a party at E’s place, Nata’s birthday as an excuse, all elaborated and planned by another classmate. I, a cake and a batch of cookies, the rest, chicken and chicken wings and chips and cheese and casseroles. a handful of beer, vodka and wine, a jukebox, and you are ready to go.

***

i have promised to be good this month, but not the other one, nein, danke. shifting from room to room, we seek people staying in beds, hanging at windows stills, relaxing on the couch, squared on the floor, those manning the oven. i find F dancing to gangnam style and despacito before the crowd, and slowly i begin to deconstruct this person before my mind, who is happy with company of other people.

***

some people just choose to show their ugly and worst slides to the person they love the most, and this is something you have to accept.

***

i realize i have a lot of love and friendship to give, but they are conditional upon not being jealous all the time. i tell this to E, the day after, picking up dishes at his place and over juices and cigarettes and secrets and hugs and leftover peanut butter birthday cake, that i am being stupid.

***

phoenix is performing in hamburg in september, and their album came out over the weekend. i guess i will go.

 

some things hurt when they don’t work out the way you anticipate it to be. the inability to move, to respond, in the same manner, to freeze at a touch. it does not reverberate through your skin and bones.

**

i have arrived in a new area of misery.

i have tried, to deny these waves of feelings, but often they come back in the darkest of moments, between the short hours of the night, when F comes home, appearing in his new haircut and wet from walking in the rain. it plays out exactly the same as from 4 months ago.

i am terrified.

***

i would like to run away, but i know the force is against me. i count the remaining months with my fingers, and to bear this feeling alone leaves me lonely and cold.

***

some days i wish for death, for i am tired.

***

to whom do/can we turn to?

no one.

***

i should’ve trusted the eyes.

some eyes shine brighter than others, some are sharp, some are clear eyed, some lacklustre, dull as their personalities. insecurities, tiredness, courage, warmth, all in the eyes. some lack determination. to meet a person in the eye, to stare at length, as if to read, to understand and to be understood, that should be the first point of love.

it is from the eyes that i seek affirmation, but when all i see are a pair of overwhelming concerned, anxious, tired, unambitious eyes, it is how i start to abandon all want.

***

now, i will cry.

 

 

*

“I’m going to cry once you leave”

“No, cry at the end.”

*

the clocks have stopped working for the past week, time freezes itself for me. it refuses to acknowledge me. and so i let them die, and refer the Rathaus’ clock, visible above the roofs.

*

a time for sadness, another time for happiness, and now i acknowledge my own horror. this cycle is maddening sometimes, but i survive.

*

i wonder when i shall write properly. i have written a short story in melayu, sent it to D a month ago, her words of it were it was too sad and painful to read. the most difficult part of writing is telling, actually.

*

i’ve discovered the hard way that women are not to be trusted. their words go through many bends and corners that whatever they come up is far from the truth.

*

“This isn’t love, isn’t it? Sometimes I say I love you but I know I never mean it”

“No, it never was”.

 

i am a fan of small pleasures and sensations.

*

my ramadan record is not good yet so far, will be better once i can start fasting.

*

f is away, guests come and go and sometimes stay. some nights i am lonely after everyone has left, some nights i call people and say hi, some nights i take long walks in the dying sun and some nights i enjoy my tea.

*

the thing about marijuana is the rush of relaxing sensation the moment you inhale and exhale and it bubbles up in your head. the rest doesn’t matter, or matters in small doses. like meatballs and ice creams and card games and sleeping the best sleep. the rest of the evening dissolves.

*

presentations and group works await me this month. i will have no time for pleasure and leisure. but such is life, i am growing old and must face responsibilities.

*

i will be 26 in three months. this approaching old age feeling annoys me, with nothing accomplished. but as i am right now,

i. feel. wonderful.

 

 

 

Menelefon Loq jam 7.30 pagi pada hari kedua dia berada di Frankfurt. Seperti biasa, saya gembira dengan berita baru dan kemungkinan dia melanjutkan pelajaran di sini.

***

Ada TV baru di rumah, dan saya menyambung semula bermain Playstation 4 saya dan menamatkan segala misi-misi kecil membunuh makhluk-makhluk menggunakan karekter saya yang sudah hampir maxed out levelnya. Apakah kami berdua hanya akan tinggal di rumah sahaja sekarang?

***

Kadang-kadang saya mencintainya, kadang saya merenung nasib saya dan gelak kecil. Kadang saya gembira, dan kadangkala saya ingin lari jauh dari semua kenalan. Kadang saya cuma ingin hidup hanya dalam tempoh 30 minit setiap hari, supaya saya tidak perlu lagi menghitung kepedihan hati dan waktu-waktu yang buruk.

***

Sudah lama tak menonton filem, dan Happy Together adalah yang terakhir dilihat di YouTube. It is so sweet, both characters, dan saya menangis pada babak akhir ketika Tony Leung mengambil gambar Chang Chen di gerai bapanya, disertai dengan shot Chang Chen ke hujung dunia di sebuah menara api.

***

Realiti itu membosankan dan saya ingin hidup sebagai sebuah perasaan.

***

tidak pandai mengklasifikasikan diri sendiri dalam konteks dunia akademik, maka saya redha dengan panggilan biasa biasa aje.

***

pos ke-50.

It is almost the end of May, and all the leaves, all of air has come out. Nothing is left without breathing, and people of all ages come out and walk to the harbour. Discard your jackets, your pullovers – summer is coming, finally.

What was the last was to be last, the last that never lasts and lasting only until the very last. I am wrecked beyond belief, and all that is happening has no meaning. We can cycle, bask in the sun, walk among trees and gardens and drink tea outside and play cards in the night, but none can cure the darkness that is in the heart. All this must be concealed or healed or be treated delicately, I shall not be accused nor shall I be subdued, ever again.

Funny situations lend themselves to the first fall, and then the desire to see oneself fall can only but that secret wish towards death. but what do they know, anyway, what does he know, when he is fixated with the hair, with the insecurities around the world, that build upon his anger? i am like this because i am allowed to be like this, and shift the blame i shall until i am ready to take it on myself again.

i will forget and forgive myself one day.

and now, i am ready. all must be ready, and embrace the world with your kindness, your red lipsticks and glimmering scarves. i shall no longer put up a facade, i shall no longer pretend, i am tired of the fucking world that i have to endure for the next 50 or 60 years. but these declarations, or silent sighs, can only be uttered with a few confidants, communicating the heaviness of your heart, the unburdening of the soul, the weight of the mind, the darkness festering inside, with only the simplest of words. communication skills. but with a helpful of courage, anything is possible, they say.

to Berlin, on Thursday. Sunday shall be F’s birthday, and I have nothing prepared for him. more love, perhaps. or things for him to go to Spain. I only relate to Spain through Hemingway. all the heat and the salmon fishing and the long nights. Nach Madrid und Granada Urlaub machen er.

i wish everyone a good and blessed Ramadan. the sun is too unbearable here, with almost 19 hours of sunlight to go through. ich muss, aber muss ich nicht. mother and father will go umrah in several days, i will tell them to always wish their daughter well. i have to be well, again.

how can two people who live together, face opposite experiences and memories throughout the day, and still declare love by the end of the day?

a visit to the gallery in front of the house, where an exhibition and sales on antique bicycles was held. it was me and E, with german grandmothers fifty or sixty years older than us and their little exotic international pets, and off we walked to the harbour and fancy ourselves some sweet potato chips and pizza with the richest family of the city in the cold and windy weather of DE. it’s strange, that the boundaries of age are blurred with the simple act of offering a cigarette.

anyway, i bought myself some reebok classics, in true style of the last of the english roses.

after a meeting with the team, figuring what are the plans for rural areas of Nepal, all of us went to room 099, to meet up with the others, to observe how different teams have different approaches and methods to the same problem. we split ways, ‘where are you going?’, ‘walking’, and smoked behind the campus. i am now either unstoppable, or plainly miss the euphoria and the sunset and walking and just a company to just talk random things about without further examination.

strange it is, the turns of events. i do not want to deal with F, because his idea of de-stressing is sleep through the morning and stay at home and cook nice things. role reversals, and one I do not enjoy. i am increasingly agitated and bored by this non-movement, the non-stimulus, the stagnation. after all, what and where is this growth and maturity is supposed to come with the promise of living together? i should learn to be patient.

anyway ramadan is coming, i promise to be better, danke.

perbualannya terhad kepada perihal-perihal tenaga dalam kelas, cerita terbaru tentang rakan sekelas, dan F. tidak ada apa, really. dan kitaran hidup begini begitu membosankan sehingga dia kadang-kadang mencari punca pergaduhan dengan F, dan mula menjadi rungsing ketika tidak ada apa untuk dinantikan pada masa akan datang. mungkin, 5 hari duduk berhibernasi di bandar kecil ini membuatkannya rimas dengan diri sendiri, kerana tidak boleh berdepan dengan stimulus baru di bandar baru, di tempat baru, di persekitaran baru. sedangkan dia tahu di penat sebenarnya.

L berada di Paris, dan ini membuatkannya teringatkan 2 hari di Paris bersama Amal dan Kak N dan anaknya. Boleh dikatakan, cuaca masih macam celaka walaupun sudah masuk musim spring. Jarak yang lebih dekat ini, apakah ianya bermakna, jika tidak bertemu? After all, there was no promises of meeting, nor there was any anticipation of one. Gradually one will no longer extend oneself over the other, and this is how everything ends, not with a bang but with a whimper.

Loq juga akan tiba di Frankfurt beberapa minggu lagi. Atau bulan Mei. “Aku free 17-19, tapi kalau tak berkesempatan jumpa, tak mengapa, Mai”. There is the anticipation of meeting, tapi with the current state of things, aku selalu berkata kepada F, “His/her life is far removed from mine”. Sebuah pernyataan yang tidak pasti apa hujungnya, samada untuk menolak atau sekadar untuk mengatakan, I will not complicate your world with my affairs any longer, even though I am feeling lonely and isolated, walaupun dengan keberadaan F.

E berkata yang dia akan ke Frankfurt malam ini untuk bertemu abangnya. Dia (abangnya) mahu bercerai, katanya, dan aku ke sana untuk berbincang tentang perihal ini, and smoke and drink. Kami berbual di koridor apartmentnya, ketika aku bersiap mahu pulang setelah menghabiskan masa melakukan tugasan, tetapi mostly kami berbual dan makan dan merokok. Lima minit sebelumnya, aku telah tersilap minum bir sebagai teh. I preferred wine.

“Jangan dengar apa-apa yang aku katakan. Aku terlalu negatif orangnya,” kata E, ketika aku mengatakan aku akan tinggal di sini setelah tamat pengajian, dan dia tidak mahu.

“We all are”, aku katakan, dan berlalu pergi.