Author: perkaraperkara

vial of denial

rasa kurang enak menjajahi lidah. kau sangka ianya coke. nampak macam. gelas pun yang dapat percuma dekat restoran kuning merah itu. warna hijau. siap ada ais lima empat ketul llagi. tapi sebenarnya itu penipuan semata-mata. teh limau ais. celaka.

dia tahu kau benci teh limau ais. jadi kau tanya, kenapa dia beli.
-sebab sedap.
-buntut kau sedap. itu minuman tambah mual. air manisan celaka.
-apa beza dengan coke. itu celaka juga.
-ada caffeine.
-jadi?
-itu nadi aku.
-itu yang kau fikir.
-apa maksud kau?
-tadepape.
kau juga benci bila soalan dimatikan begitu. satu ultimatum tanpa jawapan. tamat. dia juga tahu kau benci. lagi dia suka. tapi kau, kau tambah benci.
-sialan kau.
kau tinggalkan dia.

engrossment

To pursue fully the topic of our research with the limited
facilities that we have, let us forget unrelated pursuits and
the parasitic ideas connected with the futile trifles of everyday
life. Using strength and perseverance, concentrate
deeply only on information pertinent to the question at
hand.
During the gestation period of our work, sentence
ourselves to ignorance of everything else that is going on—
politics, literature, music, and idle gossip. There are occasions
when ignorance is a great virtue, almost a state of
heroism. Useless books distract attention and are thus
weighty, occupying as much space in our brains as on the
library shelf. They can spoil or hinder mental adjustments
to the problem at hand. Although popular opinion may not
agree, “Knowledge occupies space.”

may reading list

after blotting out the entire month of april, giving it none whatsoever importance to have a calender by itself, putting the write events and items on it, out of respect, the may calender shall be warmly received and be drawn. it’s purple, given the perplexity of this moment.

people say i read old books too much. it’s old. i only read things which are, either mentioned in a book that i happen to read and like, or i come across someone’s reading list which are worded rather grandly or pretaining to a specific subject/theme and have a certain relation to the self, in which i will take note, or scribble down in some obscure paper. this will then go through a much thorough process of wikipedia-ing. then the process of buying itself. i don’t go buy randomly selected books unless i have heard of the author. or heard of the book, by means of the mentioned above. it’s a complicated process. it’s months of contemplation. or not.
if you happen to mention some book you have read, saying ‘it’s a good read’, i wouldn’t care. especially if it’s produced in the last fifteen years. i glare at things like nicholas sparks and james patterson. they reek of good sentiments. i don’t know, i just hate it when they somehow dedicate 2/5 of the cover to print a glossy print of an author’s name. and then mention, at the bottom, “from the best selling author of [insert cheesy title]”. that, alongside with about fifty reviews from different newspapers at the back. they rely too much on those kinda stuff. credentials. it itches me. i try not to touch those kinda stuff.
yeah right i don’t listen to people that much. so, the may reading list;
That would suffice, till now. I haven’t got much money to dispose right now. Stupid camera. Less buying, more reading.

the blooming crowd

dude,

you know i hate crowds. especially when they bring screaming adhd diagnosed kids around. especially when there are a bunch of retards around, holding brand stamped balloons and goodie bags and shit. especially when there are crappy MCs who incidently have disastrously horrible jokes up their sleeve and force incognito people to come out and participate. and baseball caps. oh that just kills me.

so i’d rather be at home. even though it’s like a sauna here. i sweat so much time i have to change my shirt on a half a day basis. usually it’s three days. plus shower four times a day, it’s not even fun anymore.

resolution

because all thoughts of rationalisation and decision making oftentimes occurs behind the scenes, amounting to hours of contemplation, dabblings, and finally, a resolution, it might seem harsh to the prying eyes that it always fill them with questions which are bound to be obsolete in time, so we would like to bid adieu to everyone.

it needs emptying.

refusal

you see, i never give much thought about other people. probably because they never seem to interest me enough or anything . them and their petty affairs to attempt to do things that are somewhat meaningful to society and shit. or perhaps on a smaller scale, them giving a shit about things that would matter to their own social circle, a pathetic attempt to strive and rise to whatever which that they are aiming at.
but then you see, unlike other people, i’ve been pretty much having it easy. given the fact that i am aware that i belong at the right end of the bell curve, i never have to do much to get good grades and such, even though i hardly care about them that much. but i care enough just to get by, because it’s in my best interest to do so. deferred gratification. but that also doesn’t mean anything much to me. nothing matters.
so you see, i never belonged in this world in the first place. every day you’re losing your grip on reality, because everything solid and moving just seems to be very dream-like, unreal, artificial and shit. all i see is a labyrinth of illusions that seems to elude you to believe in something that is not real in the first place, forever guiding you into a heap of mess. and you think you have seen and done something. taking pictures just seems to prove the point some more.
this feet ain’t in the ground no more. it’s a fucked up situation, if you really want to know. i know what i’m supposed to be doing, because i am well aware of things i am capable of, what is expected of me and shit. but the only problem with it, is that i don’t feel like doing it at all. a refusal to participate into some pointless cycle of cause and effect.
a refusal to live.