Author: perkaraperkara

internal disputes

oftentimes certain thoughts reach us from time to time that it is impossible for us to escape from what seems to be the greatest test for all mankind, that is, the power of freewill. if greatlyexercised, one may use it to such great lengths and achieve things beyond the norms of society. what one needs is only the will to will, and consciousness to do so.

but also, from time to time, one stops to contemplate on the limitations of free will. sure enough, one may have the power to to will, but one may not, have the necessary tools and strength to express and realize a will. such is how humans are conditioned to be, forever feeble and weak before the power of the absolute.
and so we enter the world of choices, whether to submit, or not to submit, whether to choose a path differently from others, whether to be or not to be, to be good or bad, or to transcend beyond good and evil (heh), or to let ourselves forever be carried away by the masses that continue to elude us into a future that is ultimately bleak and dull. here is where we are given the power to choose. life is, as J said, about the choices that are made, and however cliched that might sounds, it rings true.
torn between choices, fearing what consequences we might face, seeing every path as equally potentially bright as another, we face a dilemma. why not both? like al ghazali said, one must only choose on over another. either a world of worldly knowledge, or that of the afterworld. with so little time on earth, one must not hoard all knowledge, or he becomes a bananafish and dies out of greed, gaining nothing, and giving nothing in return.
so choose i must.

and i know what i am

Dalam masa dua puluh empat jam, aku rasa macam dah spend 13 jam untuk tidur. Agak menyedihkan. Oh well, sleep I shall, no more.

Somehow, the desktop is uh, busted again. This time, it probably is the motherboard, though I suspect it should still be functioning after only 4 months of usage. I did try exchanging the RAMs, but to no avail. Probably the graphic card, but we’ll see about that. The last thing I did was uh, playing dragon age, as usual, and the internet. Mom said I play the computer too long so the mobo must’ve been ‘terbakar’. I said in BMI I don’t turn it off for three whole days. Worse things could happen.

Trip to Kelantan was somewhat okay. Sampai sampai pc kena sound oh maisarah why are your jeans too tight. Aish. Miss Ninie. She blames me for being too uh, snobbish, or rather ignorant towards her, Says I should contact people oh so often, because she gives a great deal of care towards her ‘anak buah’, pointing towards the multitude of frames and pictures on her desk. Told her I don’t do those things, and I didn’t mean to, but I’ll try. Try is a very ambigious word.
But try I shall, nevertheless.

Seeing a bunch of people you haven’t seen in a while sure was kinda okay, but I guess I would’ve loved it more if I could’ve talk with some of them in peace. A little less people.

On the other hand, I need to uh, stop belittling people too much. I don’t know if people call this arrogance or anything, but it seems to me only natural to say things which are, condescending, because it is, how it is, the truth. Dumbing down will help in situations which are short lived, but to do it for the rest of the time seems superficial. Perhaps, being humble is what they call it. I hate that word.

All of this having said, perhaps I should start having an incubation period at home, where I can continue reading Goethe and Jung. Certain topics of interest also have cropped up during the holidays, and I just need time to start looking to them. For example, Kierkegaard isn’t the first one to write about existentialism. That dates back to 11-12th century. Also, I need to read the camera’s manual and understand all this stuff about ISOs and aperture and fuck. My picture-taking abilities sure is meh. Dragon age needs to be completed before balik college, because I’m sure as fuck ain’t gonna bring it until I get back to the apartment. I need to learn a couple of songs to play, and learn how to pluck em strings one by one properly. Lagu-lagu the kinks, misalnya. All of this and running since some dude got me worked up to join some ‘future marathons’. Sounds like a lot of stuff to, which I probably won’t do, so meh.

Result keluar hari ini. Malasnye nak check.

train in vain

Gambar hiasan. Malam ini naik train bertolak ke kelantan. Sijil spm harus diambil. Lepas tu singgah besut. Beaches.

Tajuk dari lagu the clash. Lagu Tom nyanyi masa tengah grieve over Summer. Aku tengah grieve over absence mp3 semasa pergi berjalan nanti, thanks kepada budak perempuan di atas. Imagine life without music.
Au revoir.

mephistopheles

quite bothersome this trifle affair, that seemed not to long ago, spawned out of nowhere, a bit of time you could spare, but this degree of laziness is catching you up, filling you up with junk and whatnot, ignored but never forgotten, that lonesome thing, pleading to be touched, caressed and read, but what folly, so it seems, for the self cannot be bring to, be freed and kneel, rather it must, come from want and need, forgive me people, he had proclaimed, such a desire he himself cannot contain, i can only so far to explain, but save him you must, lest the flames of hell, engulf him in vain.

damn you.

people so busy

ini kerja aku sekarang. jadi maaf, sangat sibuk. minggu ini akan pergi ber-camping di ulu yam bersama-sama orang orang unikl yang tak di kenali sangat secara percuma. mungkin seronok. alasan untuk guna kamera baru yang agak terabai di rumah. tapi terlepas youth 10. tak mengapalah. orang ramai tambah sakit kepala. kemudian terus ke sekolah lama. ambil sijil spm. naik train. dua belas jam yang mungkin seronok. damn excited. aku rindu kepok lekor makcik kafe. juga dah lama tak pergi kota bharu. harus cari tempat tidur dulu.
itu sahaja kali ini.