was a nightmare i have. i wonder if this was told over a conversation with someone this would translate into something. day 2 of medication, and fears if this is enough. need to text the dr. to re-up otherwise i will have nothing in 3 weeks time. general mood: i am no longer feverish, can exchange pleasantries with the landlord, colleague, yet will not stay for sustained conversation. outbursts of ugly crying at night. i do not have enough sleep (how can one sleep after having a massive headache?). i will try to be present at work. i will move and perhaps sleep on the floor and that is ok. weather will get better, people are here (whether or not i like it) and things will be ok.
i give up on being tough. i might not be able to talk to everyone about my problems but that’s ok, nobody needs to know what a crying wreck i am, but its okay. everything fine. i will a pay hundreds for therapy and that’s fine as well.
the triggering of e. wurtzel’s death, while distant a character these days since i gave away her book already to someone else, still, devastating to read the new york article. i recover from my flu, zombie as a i am, pick up things on the floor for when visitors come over to visit the apartment when i move out, walk through the day, manage to sit down at starbucks to sip down the absolute worst vanilla latte in my life (5 euros, mind you), write the absolute most that i have in 1 year on a small yellow moleskine that F split with me when we went to a bookshop.
sometimes i dont want to think about anyone but everyone seems to keep returning nothing but love to me, even when i treat them like shit, ignore all the hellos because i cant bear any conversation or worry that some negativity from me might stick or be inflicted upon them. mostly because i do want to be left alone, not to on anyone’s mind (oh, look at her, how very miserable), believing at the end of the day, tomorrow or a week later, i can get better, but just not now, so please stop talking or expect anything from. i cannot give. only later i do crawl up in my blanket wondering why my headaches wont go away and all these feelings wont just shut themselves up.
but i am off to cologne. a.d.i.e.u
perkaraperkara 