as is with the beginning of each year, it is enough to be thankful of the past, of the growth that has happened, to write down every single anxiety and to just begin instead of linger (and this has lately become a habit of mine) in uncertainty, worry and sadness.
it begins with honesty, first and foremost. i shall be direct. i shall lay bare. i shall be vulnerable.
- this year i have been good. the desire of another, while exists in pockets of moments, in form of sleepovers and random texts with strangers, have not transpired into something worse. while there is enough to arouse curiosity, i am mostly done with all of this.
- new beginnings, in the form of a new city, a new apartment and new adventures. while all excitement has died down and the winter is as it ever was, with its 4pm night-time and 8.30am daylight always depresses me for some odd reason.
- to acknowledge that i have, beside me a good partner in life, who is always there to support me, and will be the only one for me to regulate my moods regardless of his temper tantrums
- to be grateful over the fact that i have travelled far more than what i desire to (and to be thankful of it) that to finally be over a fatigue and confusion of not staying in a particular place. namely Budapest, Copenhagen, Berlin, Frankfurt, KL, Morocco, Luxemborg, Abu Dhabi, London.
2020:
to feel calmer. to pray more, to feel more. to not buy a tv or a couch but to resist clutter (and anything that makes me unhappy). to read more books. to learn new languages and to be happy over the simplest things. to not wait for sunrise in order to do anything. to not wait for f (to sleep, to disappear from my mind) in order to initiate anything. to get treated for depression. to work, but to work calmly. to treat friendships calmly. to create. to write. to paint, to decorate, to fill things that make me happy. to be unafraid of criticism, of opinions, of speaking. to refrain from useless thoughts. (fitter, happier, more productive)? to assign more responsibility to myself. to celebrate the smallness of things, and the littlest of things. to be not afraid to be listened. to not stuff myself with useless information. to not “wonder” of alternative possibilities, be it the kemaman dreams or to jump into the rhine or for the world to end quickly within the next few days or weeks or months, because it is a sight far away. to live in the present and not be tied by ties of the past nor of the future. only perhaps, impending death.
perkaraperkara 