mammoths etc.

i suppose i have no choice but to write, after having drunk perhaps 6-7 cups of coffee in a day, unable to sleep. it is almost the weekend anyway. it has been approximately three weeks since i’ve arrived in this new city, new job and all (after all the lamentations here about feeling restless and the like), and i quite enjoy it. it is summer after all, daytime is a mess but the nights are warm enough for a stroll in the city or near the rhine or to walk through the altstadt area.

i went to Alex’s place today, tired of eating half-priced sushi after 8pm and fast-food joints, unable to cook at my second airbnb. this, a day after his birthday, which had gone without celebration. i suppose i was too used to the walk home already, passing through the odd souvenir shops and the little bars before arriving home.

we ate a sad combination of sausages and chicken nuggets in the end, as i had no desire in me to cook anyway. i told him that i am looking for a bicycle. He tells me he hated cycling and begins telling me when unserer vorfahren (our ancestors) were hunting mammoths, there are the chasers who run after the animals, and there are the men who wait on top of the hills who throw over the big rocks to trap/kill (?) them. he prefers to throw rocks, not run. i laugh at this particular example of german humor(?), and continue drinking my fourth cup of coffee for the day.

we proceed to sit at the balcony, him smoking and i texting back and forth over plans over the weekend. i have had the desire for self-destruction since monday, after being obnoxiously told off by my host about the question of the tudung (a different matter altogether), and this only intensified throughout the week and over the course of the evening. i am too cautious these days, to not overshare with new people, so i just continue to tremble (silently). i suspect this has more to do with getting older more than anything else. everything (a display, a gesture, a declaration) just takes too much energy.

again, an offer to stay together. i gravitate between the idea of one’s own apartment and living with rooommates again (much better than frankfurt), and told i would sleep over it. of course now i am unable to sleep, having extended the evening with a trip to alte zoll with the boys of tannenbusch. i suppose drinking mint tea wont make me sleep any better.

this is bad writing. i’ll continue later.