is this thesis?

i’m currently between either in panic mode or something that is best described as heading towards a grand fall that is foreseen, happening in slow motion as you slowly progress slowly towards the final scene, and although you would like to get off this train wreck, it’s kinda impossible or doable but with great movement.

as it is with everyday work, focus and most importantly, discipline, is not one of my strongest suits and this continuation of actually downgrading or lowering’s one own opinion of herself is not really progressive… so to speak.

but enough of this small interlude of mine. i know myself to pick up again after a few hours, a few days. all that i ever wanted for myself was to just disappear, and this need to be grounded or yes, to be rooted or attached to a cause, a calling or something, is something that i have always struggled with.

i don’t care about people. i have always made that clear to myself. i am swept by gestures, motivation, movements, moments that stir a person, but never the person himself. in the end, i am burdened by all this unnecessary and unimportant information and drama about other people, from friends to f himself. i want nothing of this, but i am continuously drawn by it, and sometimes involve myself, by some deep need to understand and to flourish this imaginary library of scenes in my head for some future writing or novel which will never materialize.

god, if there is someone out there that could knock some sense into me, or tell me to abandon all that continues to lodge nothing but ugliness and weariness in my heart, and tell me that, i, need to be doing this and that for the sake of my sanity and well being and happiness, and tell me that i shall be at peace with this option for the next few decades, or until i die, i would be grateful. for now i seem to be everywhere and nowhere, and talks about the future seem to follow a script that is not even truthful to my own narrative, that i am tired of everything.

but what then, would be the alternative, dear heart? it seems that all that people seem to take resorting that doing or being X is wrong, that it is unforgivable, without understanding the ideas and the reasonings behind it. but how does one human being, move anyway? what is he driven by? logic, heart, reasoning, dreams, gestures, ideas? what gives, what moves? it seems i am alone in all of this, and no amount of advices or warnings seep inside me, and in the end there is no point to say anything anymore. for there are people who see what is on the surface, actions and their consequences, but never the trail itself.

xoxo till then.