It is almost the end of May, and all the leaves, all of air has come out. Nothing is left without breathing, and people of all ages come out and walk to the harbour. Discard your jackets, your pullovers – summer is coming, finally.
What was the last was to be last, the last that never lasts and lasting only until the very last. I am wrecked beyond belief, and all that is happening has no meaning. We can cycle, bask in the sun, walk among trees and gardens and drink tea outside and play cards in the night, but none can cure the darkness that is in the heart. All this must be concealed or healed or be treated delicately, I shall not be accused nor shall I be subdued, ever again.
Funny situations lend themselves to the first fall, and then the desire to see oneself fall can only but that secret wish towards death. but what do they know, anyway, what does he know, when he is fixated with the hair, with the insecurities around the world, that build upon his anger? i am like this because i am allowed to be like this, and shift the blame i shall until i am ready to take it on myself again.
i will forget and forgive myself one day.
and now, i am ready. all must be ready, and embrace the world with your kindness, your red lipsticks and glimmering scarves. i shall no longer put up a facade, i shall no longer pretend, i am tired of the fucking world that i have to endure for the next 50 or 60 years. but these declarations, or silent sighs, can only be uttered with a few confidants, communicating the heaviness of your heart, the unburdening of the soul, the weight of the mind, the darkness festering inside, with only the simplest of words. communication skills. but with a helpful of courage, anything is possible, they say.
to Berlin, on Thursday. Sunday shall be F’s birthday, and I have nothing prepared for him. more love, perhaps. or things for him to go to Spain. I only relate to Spain through Hemingway. all the heat and the salmon fishing and the long nights. Nach Madrid und Granada Urlaub machen er.
i wish everyone a good and blessed Ramadan. the sun is too unbearable here, with almost 19 hours of sunlight to go through. ich muss, aber muss ich nicht. mother and father will go umrah in several days, i will tell them to always wish their daughter well. i have to be well, again.
perkaraperkara 