F is here, now, and I greet him like I’ve always used to. He looks silly in this coat of his, I told him he looks like a girl, he says I don’t care, even if you say I look like a girl. I like it, I’ll still wear it. I said fine.
I’ve been wondering how this moment should play out, the walk home together, dragging these overweight bags carrying all the food that I told him to bring over. He is nothing but a mule, he would say, but of course I would say otherwise. He misses me too much, and proceeds to sleep with me the moment we arrive home.
Memory works strangely. There are first moments and then there are moments which strives to overlap and overwrite the previous memories. From being alone to being together, I try to make sense of this other person in this bed of mine. Of course, he is sleeping soundly now upstairs, clothed in both blankets, and I scoff at how he has things so easy with me. And of course, he feels likewise for me.
At this moment, I am trying to slip back into this married life mode: I wear my ring, I wake up earlier and take the first shower, I go downstairs and have my first cup of coffee before he proceeds to wake up, I make some food and he will cook the eggs – because he is simply better, we have these little fights over choices of words I have for him (You have too many inhibitions, you are too weak for me, I need you to abuse me, you think too much). I insult him and his feelings too much, but to tend to these wounds I have to.
F says I have changed too much, letting myself too loosely for these two months. I curse at everything. I become more egoistical. I’m too hard headed. I’m too feisty. My English is too German. I try to drown questions with just laughing. But I simply think I am just readapting.
We were carrying furniture from one of the classmates to another house today. The men were all there, including E. I introduce F to everyone, and laugh afterwards because it was awkward. E says I shouldn’t do that, it’s not nice. I just cringed when F greets E and said, I’ve heard so much about you.
Everyone loved F, of course. I too, but differently. I realize I need him, but I must… learn how to love him better.
perkaraperkara 