Bangkok is, for the most part, confusing. Maybe I find it difficult to navigate myself for the first time, alone, in a different place with different characters. Maybe it was the hostel I stayed in, which was posh in itself, and the streets of Khoa San Road that with its bars and tomyams and pad thai stalls and massage beds in front of shops surrounded by white people, all these western commodities, makes me feel a bit isolated, feeling a bit lost in my own ‘territory’, so to speak. But then again, maybe I never knew the effects of Globalisation and being alone for the first time in a year to a foreign place, makes me nervous.
Before this there was always friends to accompany me to these sort of events, or F. Maybe I’ve kind of lost the ability to manage being alone and independent or even to rely on on other people/locals to enlist help makes me sort of disappointed with myself. Like, wishing the lift doesn’t stop to a particular floor where I will meet anyone, lounging around at the lobby where I would be potentially eat/dine with other people, or simply raising my head and put on a smile to anyone.
Here I am, delaying time until 9am till I go to 7th floor, where the course will start, and having not brought a suit or even a business card makes me nervous. I guess this is my ultimate flaw, not wanting to seem to care. I always thought that trying too hard or appearing to passionate or in love with too much of something, in short, enthusiastic, was too unbecoming for me. Thus I always do stop myself before showing any sign of love, or thankfulness, gratitude, care or you know, being all positive and interested and overflowing with excitement or emotions. I am too afraid or too aware of is this what I really feel or am I just performing for the benefit of the other? F says I am emotionally uncaring, wanting praises or even a tinge of acknowledgement or pride for him. And I do. I tell him I am more like my father, generally unfeeling and likes to act all cool and calm, that between all of us siblings, I am the closest to him because I can talk to him about many things (minus the religious stuff). But because of this, nothing ever actually happens, so I must give in and just… let myself be carried away.
Anyway, I have…. 6 more days here. Must try to make the most of it. And blog, I guess, for the benefit of the people that I love.
perkaraperkara 