F and I will celebrate our first anniversary of our marriage. Strange how time seems to fleet by so quickly, with the two of us still at odds of each other.
We fought over bathroom doors last night, after I told him to stay away from me who had a deadline. Then, bedroom talks, and off he goes about closing doors which I find so trivial to even be angry about. Naturally, I laugh and find this funny, only for him to trigger off even more by having a fit opening up all kinds of doors in the house. I was tired and throwed him a question, do you want this, marriage to go on, and proceeded for a long shower. Eventually things die down on their own, and so, another day.
Hanging out with Loq was nice. Lunch over Indonesian food, him with Indocafe and a glass of plain water and me with either Milo Ais or Soda Gembira. I guess Syahrin’s restaurant has always been our official makan place, after Nasi Lemak Kak Ana was too far and not suitable for weekend breakfasts. We then went to a second hand bookstore which I haven’t been to. The shopkeeper chatted with us extensively on literature and some name dropping author after I asked about the difficulties of translating Awek Chuck Taylor. In the end, we spent about rm200 on 15 books, mostly essays on literature and I my Keirsey book. On the way back, after triggered by the shop lady what is my relation to Loq, we discussed about friendship. Like how I might be selfish that I can only be friends with someone where I do not expect to develop or work my way towards a friendship. I cannot commit, because not because I do not care, but I view it as a childish thing to claim name to something or have some underlying loyalty. Put simply, maybe I am both unable to give and to receive affection or love and properly acknowledge it, because life is life.
Perhaps this had become a sort of annoyance to F because of my off handed approach to most things, but it is only with him I have sort of vowed my loyalty to, by marrying him and all his flaws and quirks, but I am always trying to equalize whatever affection he shows to me, but maybe it is through quiet and unannounced gestures.
perkaraperkara 