I’ve been more or less shutting myself up for the past 4 days, after a full weekend of going outs, and work from Singapore meaning I had to just do listen to people talking about court cases and board meetings, the same usual stuff I would during my working days. 

It was the day that I sent F to the airport, also the day I finally synced some music into my Iphone after Spotify Premium died on me. The usual off mixture of Laila’s Lounge and Lisa Hannigan and some the pillows. As we approach one year of marriage, I do not what to make of  this, dynamic we have. 

We probably exchange close to 20 I love yous in a day, an affirmation for this binding relationship we have for each other. Of course, in a week, one of us is always away from each other to some degree, part of training for our separation. But that one is separate. 

I invited Fairuz, my housemate of 3 years to curb my loneliness for the night. Of course, she arrives, cheerful as ever, but I was never close to her. The way she relates to a married version of Mai is to ask whether I am planning to have kids, to which I answer, 2018. Then she proceeds to talk about Q and M, the other married couple she knows, and whatever it was their married life was. Careers or families or prohibition about going outs or settling down. 

She’s busy these days, where the only time she can go online is during lunch break. I guess that is the norm for small companies, something I cannot fathom or accept. She talks about a former boyfriend contacting her after a really bad break up, and I said, no. What if there’s jodoh between us? I only told her that you choose who you want to marry, and you work on it afterwards, it’s never a question of jodoh or not. But an idealist she is. I should have no say in this because I too, had left F before.

As I sent her down the lift, I try to imagine young Fairuz who would sit and skype with her boyfriend after watching Malay or Korean dramas back in Wollongong, studying laboriously at the library, and then the now version, all busy rushing deadlines and leaving the office at night and too tired to think about anything else. Essentially, everyone stays the same person, but continously trying on different masks and costumes until they see one that fits. Until that one wears out and they seek another.

Well, I am tired of myself and seeking somewhere I can park or bury all my reservations so I can finally be at peace.