. 

Spending time back and away from F gives me a certain uneasiness or even a feeling of lightness that is hard to formulate. Either I function better, or I begin to understand the dynamics we have in relation to one another while away, or simply talking about it with M and understanding my place in this complex world of his or the world for that matter. 

Sometimes all I want to do is just to collapse and become not functional, because I realize I have lost the ability to be by myself and to strive for my own being without thinking of his needs or his regard. I feel, far away, distant, away from my own family, never knowing what space or meaning I have played any role whatsoever. I am neither here nor there, feeling that I cannot and do not desire to move nor feel anything. Emotionally, I am stunted. Intelligence wise, I feel decapitated. And my heart hollow. 

F says that we no longer read or do anything exciting, that I do not have enough discipline to work out, or even say hi to friends, but I feel that it is not books nor activities nor people that I need, just a specific something to fill me in with I do not know, life or god or piety or consciousness or the desire to live.