. 

F and I will be moving out of my parents’ soon, into a studio apartment slightly nearer to city (but not so much, really). The past weekend has been spent in trying to fit in all our belongings into the apartment and dusting out the shelves and floors. Tomorrow, the mattress will arrive, and it’s only a matter of time before we both move in to live. 

I have, approximately three weeks till the end of my working days. It scares me, not to be employed in any form, having always some phase or another being thoroughly engaged. But I suppose, there is always blessings in this sort of arrangement. This before Germany, anyway, so I suppose there is always that to look forward to. 

I have thought of several contingency plans; selling spaghetti lunch sets downstairs or working at Starbucks, writing a novel, or engage myself in a new form of learning. But the most important thing is to keep busy. 

I’ve been questioning myself alot lately, wondering what it is that engages me and thoroughly excites me. There is the word worry plastered across my face, and generally an all sombered mood, but I remain ok.

I recognize this as a low point in my life, albeit a temporary one. I’ve been, in one way or another, been handed things to me all too easily and without any sort of strife. The world is not against me in any form, but I alone must fight my battles within my mind. 

Which brings to the question, am I actually depressed or is this merely an excuse I flee to everytime something goes wrong? It’s hard to recognize it, but I do have my bouts of hating the world around me and wanting to die (without the complication and consequences of dying). But what I yearn the most is to disappear and not face the world. 

Being married to F of course, this is impossible. Whatever I do or do not do is tied to him, my moods affect him greatly, and I fear myself trying him too many times.