. 

My Spotify premium suddenly ended its subscription after not renewing my mobile data plan. And so, I am left with 3 albums on the Music app; A choice of Phoenix, Coldplay, and for some reason, U2. 

Sunday was largely spent in trying to meet expectations. To do biddings for my father’s cousins whose son has a convocation today. Then the laundry basket to tackle, a sad heap of 4-day clothes to be thrown in the washing machine. Then F and I just kinda lazed around all day until it was lunchtime and I forgot to turn off the stove and yesterday’s singgang daging went dry and the whole house smelled of smoke. 

I’ve been feeling a lot like a failure these days. Mostly because I do not do what I think I am supposed to do and failure to meet certain established standards make me feel worthless. I am no longer just myself, this sad excuse of a human being just waiting for for my existence to dissipate into the air. In a way, I have signed the pact to stay on; to solidify myself by getting married and hence attaching more stones to weigh my down on this earth. More and more expectations of how a wife or a daughter should be, a vision imposed by  my father and mother who we stay with. 

I have long accepted that I am not them and I cannot live by their ideals but maybe, just maybe, it all boils down to laziness. But I have always felt stuck, between toeing the line of safety and what is considered appropriate (all in good faith) and the conservative way of the good life, but I have and I always have struggled.