Silenced

Sometimes I think by marrying F I have indirectly silenced myself into saying anything. Not his fault, of course, but because anything I say out of line, out of his line of communication with me, gets questioned. 

I wonder if it possible to have another double self again. The person that lurks in the corner, that wishes to speak out all her laments and question concerning human understanding. I hate my intense self right now, too concerned on the pursuit of a ‘perfect’ career path. Germany first, of course. 

We had dinner, Fathi and I with Zikri. He asked me questions about the scholarship, hoping that he too, can get a shot at studying overseas. I told him applications for this year are all closed and he seem disheartened. I suppose all of us yearn to escape this country at some point, for wanting a better life. 

Where does our allegience lies to anyway? To god, to religion, not the land where we are born. Affiliated yes, but each of us must carve paths in our own way. 

I am tired of KL’s traffic, which is getting more absurd by the day. They should ban cars into the city, but we are all so dependent on these vehicles that do nothing but congest the road.