hello and welcome back, maisarah

(no one missed you).

apabila ada percanggahan dalam diri sendiri dalam pememilihan suatu perkara, kita (aku) lebih suka berdiam diri dan cuba untuk memproses segalanya dalam perkara. dalam menyuarakan sesuatu pendapat, misalnya, kita lebih suka untuk melihat, terlebih dahulu, pendapat orang lain sebelumnya, sebelum kita boleh memilih sesuatu/sesebuah pihak. ada sesebuah proses yang akan berlaku di sini, di mana anda akan cuba untuk “weigh in”, atau cuba untuk memformulasikan sesebuah argumen yang akan mengambil/mengetepikan one point over another, sambil cuba untuk mengkonstruk sesebuah pemikiran yang koheren (?), sekurang-kurangnya untuk diri sendiri.

sejujurnya, suatu perkara yang aku sedar apabila kurang menulis (not that i have never attempted), ialah suatu keadaan di mana aku tidak lagi mampu untuk berkata apa apa tentang apa apa. of course, one is /never forced to have an opinion (or a stance) in the first place – other than ‘i hate cakes’ or ‘i love to cycle’ – and living amongst women who rarely think of larger situations at whole, there is even less a requirement to do so. engineering is a very formulaic process, where everything, at least in this point of studying, is straightforward. so one does not have to think (at least creatively), and ready to drift off into a neatly cut out path that is sure to guarantee you a High Distinction.

so writing is, at least to me, is a process i need to undertake in order to coherently form an framework of an idea, and from that, to draw a singular opinion (ambivalent or not) over something. it is not merely enough say something, or to word out the words of another; i need to properly lay out one’s claim and that which supports that claim. surely one is able to draw up something sketchily in one’s head in critical moments, and but to properly speak, not only only to spew sporadic sentences that point to nowhere but immense confusion, one must have at least thought of the subject beforehand.

so back to our drawing board.

hello.