dependency

sometimes i think of you and how utterly bounded i am, destined (or rather deliberately torturing myself) to carry each thought of you in my head at every single despondent moment i seem to encounter, those dark days inside the room, wrapping myself with my blanket, where i spend hours in isolation in entrapment, not knowing what to do, no, not wanting to do anything, although i must get up and face the terrible trials and tribulations of the world . this unable-to-get-up-feeling where i must, each, every day, remind myself how grateful i am to be alive even though i just wish i could do away with everything and stopped caring about anything, anyone. i want to be unearthly. i only want the singular, the most particular single singular, the singularity, the ever pervading one, to merge and submerge where i can sing praises and cry laments to. but then you came in and have me by the heart. you who dragged me back down, to the ground to where i would sink and lie in filth and dirt, cutting off everything leave me all bent and distorted in different contortions.