tuhan dan hal hal lain

sometimes i think of days whenever you aren’t around at my disposal at think whether this is right whether your looming presence is ever overshadowing my every thought my every wish such that you are a constant in every decision i make. and will not that be the case with all that lies ahead of us, where i would have to give up one by one my desire my satire my whole being, a complete surrender to the will of another?

you see i wrote that thinking about you, instead of putting god as the center piece inside my head. how wretched an existence. and so long as this push and pull back and forth, of me trying to evict you out of my head without much success, i cannot be happy. do i seek verses of poetry in all their metaphorical drunkenness and languor to find the love of the mortal or the love of the divine? i in all my hunger which cannot be appeased must devour all that comes to me until i hit it but realize with such sadness that you, are never enough for me. that you might suffice but temporarily dear love, because i clamour for the eternal that i have not found.

and to keep pressurizing you to finally be done with it all is characteristic of me. i want to expire, to climb new heights, to plunge into the unknown, to exhaust you, the idea of, and of you completely not because so i can move to another soul but because i want to be rid of my contrived contradictory self to purify myself. i want to stamp you out to extinguish you by way of having you so the mind the heart the soul can finally concentrate bent hopefully toward the eternal.