ramadan is ending

satu catatan tentang hidup at this point (dan sebagainya).

setelah lebih dua hari tidak menyentuh komputer ini, sebab aku agak sibuk dengan dunia secara keseluruhan (aku rasa), dan persiapan untuk raya (walaupun tak seberapa, apalah sangat nak buat di perantuan).

aku bangun awal hari ini. jam 3. dan macam biasa ada orang beberapa makhluk yang akan ucapkan selamat malam dan kita pun akan membalasnya secara rahsia. there’s nothing much to do in the morning but read, you know? or to recite. kadang kadang aku rasa aku tak optimumkan bulan ini dengan secukupnya. i too, have a brother whom i am incredibly jealous at. if there was a living goal, i’d be him. one needn’t to look at other brothers, yang hebat in themselves with all their hamza yusuf’s dan alghazali dan tolstoy’s, kerana what i desire in the end, in simplicity and humbleness in perceiving your docility. mungkin sebab abang aku, being almost seized of his life about four years ago, realizes this much more than i, who still cling to boring and mundane things. (aku baru sedar yang mundane doesn’t necessarily mean boring, only worldly), feel extremely adequate to meet god. then there is the family. all radiant of goodness, and i a black bile of darkness. (this stinks of your letter, now)

tapi kembali kepada bahasa melayu. i have this idea for a novel, tapi ianya masih belum complete secara keseluruhannya, kerana one cannot write mindlessly (macam tempat ini), because such permanence (in book form) requires such a inward goal that demands a purpose. i am not eager to write, or to publish at this point, i merely waiting for something to seize me and then i shall begin? tapi sampai bila? it seems to me i have been putting off this for too long. but writing is no goal now. i am to study and to aim aim aim for some sort of stability like the rest of the masses.

ada kawan aku, baru baru ini, question aku, kenapa aku pilih untuk teruskan belajar, walaupun aku, secara lazimnya amat bencikan all this formal education atau all this structure, really, or the need to conform. poyo betul kan. kami ini, dua insan, yang kononnya nak menentang dunia. tapi aku cakap pada dia, aih, perlulah senjata. one simply cannot proceed in this world without giving in to the rules that governs it, even if one hates it. the key is to be inside and the necessitate change from within. perubahan apa? (dia tanya). aku tak tahu. education reform, government reform, the upholding of religion, of people, truth, what have you. dia pun ok, setuju. kami ini, insan yang cynical, kononya. campurkan pembacaan Catcher in the Rye dan Notes in the Underground sambil menaiki bas melihat bandar Kota Bharu, melewati setiap pelusuk dan lorong lorong yang gelap, melihat orang orang gila, sakit, sewel, cacat, tua dan tak dipedulikan, haaa, ini hasilnya. tapi aku cakap pada dia, aku dah berubah, aku rasa.

jadi perubahan. ini bulan ramadan. mereka cakap there is not a better time to change yourself then within ramadan. kerana tuhan telah berfirman dalam albaqarah ayat 183, yang dia mahu kita berpuasa pada bulan ramadan, agar kita menjadi orang yang bertakwa. apa itu takwa? fear atau hope. consciousness. the state of being wary of god’s presence pervading in each aspect of your life, and in effect kamu itu takut akan him seeing you wasting your hours away or slipping into a state of kelalaian (leka), such that each second each breath that you take is in accordance to him, and for him. so you remember god at all times.

whenever i call my father in nights where i am most agitated and in distress over the strife of life, because purely i have no one to talk to (friends are fine but they have not experienced life, and most men are helpless and cannot give than a bloated word or two, and i am greatly affixed to the old man anyway), jadi dia akan katakan pada aku, atau recite from this ayat quran, surah ar-raad (raad means thunder, as i have came to learn, sebab my lecturer’s name is Raad), that, verily only in remembrance of god does the heart find rest.

i suppose those words are enough for me now. some people say i am too high strung, or that they do not know i simply cope, maisarah being maisarah, with all the things that occupy my mind. yang aku ini, berfikir terlalu banyak. dan aku mengaku yang kadang kadang aku akan duduk kaku berdiri selama sejam dua plainly deep in thought (aku rasa berangan je lebih kut), and all that. meh, what spiraled me deep into depression in the first place? too much pondering over stupid things. but i am not to recount this, not this moment, at any rate. dah panjang dan penat menulis. (dan siapa akan baca ini, anyway?)

sometimes i wish i could be done with the world as soon as possible. and that has been the goal for years now, that i no longer want to face all this grime and dirt. but life is beautiful. there are many wonderful things inside it. love, for example (hi hi hi). i believe i am happy at the moment but at the same time, anguished, because i know that all this is transitory, and that everything shall face away. sometimes it is better to be sad or dangling in anticipation because you keep on hoping for salvation or happiness and strive towards it. but when you are joyful, you seem to forget everything and see yourself accomplished, and then worry over the loss of another. this all, is a false sense of security.

see how i jump from one thing to another. i should rightly stop and wait until four until claudia comes to pick me up so we can go to sydney and be, cultural. i don’t know what paths i am taking at this moment but i seem to like her, because she loves reading and islam and all that. what a nice person.

in the meantime, i shall study. i have been reading al-attar’s book the conference of the birds for too long, i should do my power calculations. and to add a simple footnote on how i picked up this book – i have borrowed it before, together with my rilke last year, but had never the opportunity to read, it, and last monday only picked it up out of wanting to avoid a collision of some guy in the literature section as well (why does he have to move from the German section to the World literature shelf?)

and this was after i was reading rather lightly (and putting back) Murakami’s Hard Boiled Egg Wonderland (cat missing brooding wife mystery phone calls…. *yawn*), and Tolstoy’s Collected Short Stories (only the intro, because i’m lazy).

 i promise shall read Tolstoy one day……..