It is indeed a blessing to be sponsored to learn overseas, to be given allowance for board, food, and transport and silly expenses, to have your tuition fully paid by some organisation, to be told to learn about one’s ways in the world, but all of this turns against you when you simply do not have enough passion for the subject, enough enthusiasm to break through the normal boundaries, enough will to study outside the given classes, enough maturity to maintain responsibility, let alone receive one, enough piety to soldier on, enough discipline to follow through the end for each and every single thing assigned to you, enough courage to be able to communicate to convey what exactly that it is that you want to do, and to ultimately realize for what purpose are you exactly put into this situation, with the fear of debt and failure surrounding you.
Of course, I am not to (and should not rightly) complain, while all the other people are beating about trying to earn their bread while having to pay through whatever loans they bargained themselves into. It is simply because I haven’t known enough hardship, never having to ever, support myself, so to speak, that I have simply fallen flat and unable to proceed without first having to prep myself that I need I need I need I must I must I must execute this.
Nor do I think I have enough pure a heart to be saying anything. Anything than runs from my mouth is bound to false, and I cannot understand why is it that I am still standing perfectly still while everyone else is becoming good, better, resolved, finding their way towards life. To have finally found peace, guided by the rope of god. While I am here, having found truth, continually slip and fall and tumble, forever perturbed by something I am not yet quite sure myself.
They say it concerns the heart. That it is never important to know everything, that the aim of usrah (or tarbiyyah) is not to gain knowledge, because learning can be somewhere else, sometime else, but the aim is to wet, to render the heart sad and aware of its inadequacy, to remind, to purify, to rejuvenate, to set our bearings.
Of course, I am continually trying trying trying to be good to stay true (of what, exactly?), to bow my head low, to be in a constant state of reminder to be aware of his continuing presence, to not betray time, to be khusyuk and direct everything to him, to ask forgiveness everyday, and to finally be sincere and submit my will whenever I face Him.
I shall try try try until time denies me…
perkaraperkara 