I must shut off my senses.
I have been unjust to myself.
I have been weak.
I am nothing
Yet I aspire so much.
All lofty ideals but
None actual and real
I have erred myself long
Tallied tarried
Plotting indecencies
Dreaming impossibilities
Conjuring up fantasies
All wishful thinking
Without actions in between
How can I bridge anything?
I must scurry off and annihilate myself
Because I am constantly losing
And I realize
No one can help me but myself
I must will myself first
To kill off everything
To lower my being
To seek nothing
In order to
Exist
Blissfully.
Mother, you must help me.
And send my regards to god
In his house of being
I ask you that you ask him
To purify my indignant soul
I dare not to approach his house
I can only lie outside
Because
I am not yet ready to enter
The holy kaabah
Let alone death
The thought grieves me.
How foolish of me.
To ask an intermediate
To shower sadness
Into other humans
When I can pour directly
Into him
All my insecurities
Fear hope and longing
I do not want to want
I want to be.
So help me o god
Before I plunge once more
Into the black obscure
I want to err no more
perkaraperkara 