killer wails

you’re quite bored.

i’m restless.

read a book.

a distraction is but a distraction. never concrete. in about three minutes, everything dies into a tedium.
once you are about to discover something, while not always eager, but let’s say a bit, hopeful, an anticipation. but when it does appear itself, you’re not impressed.

when are you ever impressed.

many times. there was this kid, yesterday. i should tell you about her, but i don’t think i should.

so concealing in your revelation.

it’s no use. i think she has forgotten me. i get incredibly nervous around people. splurges. addled. nothing ever makes sense. it simply puts people off. i suppose i have kept things too long.

with no one at all to confide in?

not no one. well there is one, or two. but they too, must be spoken too, only once in a while. what use it is. nothing ever happens. everything gets lost. it’s the gesture that counts. not voices. everything betrays you.

i suppose it is never gone- this affliction.

what affliction.

i don’t know. what you have always suffered from.

you know how people say how, forward, i am with people? well i am most forward with myself. i afflict myself with the most atrocious names, utterly convinced that i am the most unhappiest of all, while realizing myself that even this is a lie. so lies constructed upon conviction upon suspicion, ad infinitum. vicious cycle, really. you never really know when to stop.

so what exactly are you trying to accomplish?

i don’t know i don’t know. some form of higher joy. i think. i am a bit, thrilled, but i know this to be cheap. to be paltry. i am the sedentary brood trying to regain what is lost in the wrong places.

what was ever lost?

nothing. love. redemption. faith. fear. could be any of those. or everything. i am not trembling. and because this, loathing.

loathing?

myself.

you do realize that trembling is just another word for recognition.

recognize what.

reality.

too broad a word.

but true nevertheless.

i recognize it, acknowledge it even, yet i dare not to say anything about it. can you help me, perchance?

sleep on it.

but how long must it go on. i am tired, even in my sleep.

tiredness. is that the same as boredom?

it’s linked, i think. then what?

nothing. zest. vigour. purposelessness.

it’s not even that.

affirmation, then.

close, but not quite.

lowering.

fitting. almost.

then that’s what you need to do.

a weakness.

a paralyzing one.