all you wanted

the reproaching brother,
he questions my motive,
he doesn’t want to bother,
he knows this to be untrue of me.
ignorance is he.
resuming to his circling wraiths of continuity.
how boring.

a cat dead, and fleeting friends,
they all gather round the english counter,
exchanging stories of babysitting and travelling
while i glare at this extravagant lavishing disturbing enclove

why not why not
she asks
as if you are better than they
i say
they are too courteous for me,
too refined in their womanly glee
and too proud too stoop down like me

nay i am lower than they
i care not for clothes and matching furniture
nor plates or pleats
not books not films
or even art that they exclaim
hanging at walls posting your
self portraits of austrian
origin.

i have what i want
and what i want now is nothing
only time commands me now
as i lay, awake, in hiding,
plotting, paving my way to dying

but that is too much to ask for,
so here i wait
waiting.