all the things i’ve done

it was not embarrassment as much as it was guilt, but i guess i could not define it certainly, or rather, justifying-ly, without the head bowing low, or without a prolonged moment of self-abasement. i guess i could not really explain it.

of how many times do i keep writing the words like reconciliation and their synonyms, over the course of these years, applied on numerous occasions, different names, different places, different situations, few quite similar but never quite the same, i was never quite, say, initiated, or compelled to do so, even when it calls itself to.

why?

reconciliation is, to make peace with, to bring together with, to be content, to harmonize, to be at acceptance with whatever things, people, ideas, authority, god, etc. this, is something i was never quite good at, because eh, i don’t know. it’s no fun. to be content with something, someone, without knowing why but the fact it must be done, because that is the social convention, is a most gruesome task. perhaps you do know why, only you don’t want to. you don’t want the troubles that follows after it. perhaps it’s not much as trouble as it is burden. not to imply it is burden, but rather a blend of irritation, loathsome, waste of effort and time, and mostly, yes, guilt.

which brings us to humility. somebody should really rip me off my ego. it is not ego per se, but ego as defined as rather a sense of not wanting to belong somewhere, be it either up or down, even at the middle, that is mediocre. exalted. transcended. we want to be both the good and the bad, thereby allowing ourselves to be mocked at, but only by ourselves. being your own critic, and to receive none whatsoever from other people, calling them insignificant.

gee, how fucked up is that?